Friday, March 24, 2006

Easy on the bludgeoning, heavy on the mayo

As if we haven't suffered enough, Sir Paul and the Her Whineness aren't giving up their efforts to stop this year's Canadian seal hunt, scheduled to begin tomorrow morning. In these final hours, I won't be at all surprised if they resort to some sort of ice floe sing-in, or a publicity stunt where Heather tries to pin daisies to the hunters' parkas. Or something involving the mock clubbing of ketchup-filled Cabbage Patch dolls.

Now, as my comments to a most hilarious related post imply, I'm not a fan of the seal hunt. As a visual, it's harsh and icky. Like footage of Ben Mulroney, but with more blood. (Speaking of which, if the hunters had any PR sense, they'd inject the seals with blue food colouring beforehand. Then media images of the hunting grounds would look less like a scene from the Shining and more like the aftermath of a grape slushie machine mishap. Much easier to stomach. Dare I say, purpleicylicious?)

But provided it's done humanely and is sustainable from a conservation perspective, I say: have at 'er! That is, so long as I don't have to watch. Or clean up afterwards.

This happens be precisely the same approach I take to the idea of elderly people having sex (which, if you've seen old Paul these days, is not completely irrelevant to this discussion). But even more relevant than that, it happens to also be the approach I implicitly take when I chow down on commercially raised beef, pork or poultry. The hunter slaughters, I slather. The farmer guts, I grill. In the combined words of INXS front-man JD Fortune and grease-guru Colonel Saunders, "It ain't pretty [but] it's finger-lickin' good."

Which is all a very indirect and space-filling way of getting to this: Lady Heather's website promotes the US Humane Society's own stop the hunt campaign. All fine and lacking in irony -- except that the HSUS site flogs such socially-responsible swag as shirts bearing the painfully clever slogan "Club Sandwiches Not Seals."

Got that? Club sandwiches: lettuce, tomato, bacon... turkey.

But surely not those tortured toeless toms featured in a certain PSA, eh Heather? 'Cause that would be selling out the turkeys to save the seals.

And that would be cold. Tasty, but cold.


At March 25, 2006 11:05 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

I've applied for a patent for my new line of seal skin thongs. I'm calling them
Flipper Snappers.

At March 25, 2006 12:56 p.m., Blogger Derek Richards said...

Flipper Snappers, ha ha ho ho ho he he ...... Long pause.

What? Help me please. Anybody?

At March 25, 2006 12:59 p.m., Blogger Derek Richards said...

Oh ya, great post Hav

At March 25, 2006 1:24 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Flipper Snappers: For the hunter in your pants.

At March 25, 2006 2:31 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

Weepy actresses of the world - Unite against the Easter seals!

Uh, sorry, I seem to have wandered into the wrong room...

At March 25, 2006 7:12 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Geez. Look who sneaks in here while I'm out savouring Vij's fine fare. (Rangoli on West 11th -- I highly recommend it.) I'll try to get you all in one comment, mainly 'cause I hate hanging around this blog for too long, nasty slum that it is.

k-dough: You disgust me. Please don't stop.

derek: Thanks, man. I thought my closing was a bit weak, but blogging over lunch is a bitch/bastard. That, and that HSUS countdown-to-the-hunt clock was stressing me out. Also, I just wasn't feeling 'fresh', you know?

alison: Keep your radical politics on that little island of yours where they can't hurt us normal folk (i.e. anyone who can go to Walmart without boarding a boat). Oh, and about that wrong room thing -- I can totally relate. Seems this one time, I showed up at my grandparent's place unexpectedly and...

At March 25, 2006 7:32 p.m., Blogger dief said...

I loved this post and I actually thought the closing about the club sandwiches was the funniest part. Not weak at all.

Somedays I like blogging at lunch because it forces me to focus my post pretty quickly. I can ramble like a mofo. Other days I hate it because I write it out so fast I miss all the spelling / grammer / logic errors that I just fired off.

At March 28, 2006 5:51 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

I disgust you please don't stop? Ok:

Rapunzel, Rapunzel-
shit out your spleen!!!

At March 28, 2006 10:01 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Okay, now you can stop. Oh, shit, what was our safe-word?! Uh... Honduras. Wonderbread. Laurier?


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