Monday, March 20, 2006

What would Father Guido Sarducci do?

Now, I'm not Catholic. But as a child I played street hockey with Catholics, so I feel qualified to comment on the faith. Oh, and did I mention the Pope's nose is my favourite part of the turkey? Yeah, so I'm good.

Anyway, is it just me, or is the probe into Pope John Paul's miracle looking sketchier all the time?

First the good Sister was cured on June 2, 2005, precisely two months after the Pontiff's death. Now we are told she was cured in October, six months after his Holiness ascended. Seems the Lord works in mysterious ways, possibly with the help of a TiVo.

And what, pray tell, is so special about either date, anyway? Why does the fact that she was de-Parkinsonized two, or for that matter six, months after JP2's death mean it was his spirit that cured her from the great beyond? I've checked, and the Bible provides no such guidelines. (It appears to provide some sort of guidelines for gardening, but that's not helpful here.)

Lawyer Johnnie Cochran, celebrated as a legal miracle-worker by many of his clients, died on March 29, just four days before the Pope. Could have been him. Or James Doohan, who died July 20. Doohan was best known as Scotty from Star Trek, a man who constantly worked miracles with the Enterprise's notoriously finicky warp drive. Or why not news Anchor Peter Jennings, who died August 7? (An authoritative voice from on high: "This just in... You're healed!")

I mean, I understand the desire to fast-track the much beloved John Paul to sainthood. I, like many, admired his ability to connect with so many people from different walks of life. And damn if that Popemobile of his wasn't supremely bitchin'.

But, in honour of his legacy, I call upon the Church to wait for a real miracle.

Like when his image appears on a pączki.


At March 21, 2006 12:29 a.m., Blogger dief said...

What I find really amazing is that the church just did away with Limbo this year. They signed a few papers and POOF! an entire portion of the afterworld was gone. How is that considered bureacratic and not a miracle. I think it's actually more impressive than curing Parkinsons. These guys are selling themselve short.

At March 21, 2006 3:30 a.m., Blogger Alison said...

The limbo bar was finally set so low that not even fetuses could squeeze under it - it just wasn't fun any more.

At March 21, 2006 7:57 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

Oh yeah, Limbo. What ever happened to all the souls that were there. Did they get the call up to the biggie Heaven, or was there a mass eviction?

My CD player's been acting up. Perhaps the work of a homeless baby-soul turned gremlin?

At March 21, 2006 9:34 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

My own personaL MIRACLE was making it through the 80s with all my testicles, and enough brain cells to still be classified as a primate.

At March 21, 2006 10:42 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

k-dough. I notice you said "all" and not "both". Are you the famed triple-gonaded monkey boy that I saw on TLC's human oddity week?

At March 24, 2006 3:39 p.m., Blogger Attila Vass said...

I think it's unfair of you to poke fun at miracles. Last week I beat a straight with a full house on the river. Then I dropped my beer and didn't spill a drop.

JP and God work miracles in mysterious ways.

At March 24, 2006 7:19 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Impressive, AV. Say, didn't I see your image on an apple fritter somwhere?


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