Saturday, December 29, 2007

Oh baby (he said, not referring to Sheila Copps)

Be afraid, be very afraid. Havril has replicated.

Round about a fortnight ago, my wife and I were given the best little package you can get that won't bring you before a Commons Committee -- our first child, a beautiful baby boy. To protect his identity, let's call him "Karlheinz", and let's say he weighed between two and 18 pounds.

And to answer the question you must be asking, why yes, I am the father. I mean, my wife says so, and the boy does have my testicles. Now, the rest of him looks oddly like Joe Clark, but I'm told that's a natural stage of child development.

To answer another question you might be asking, no, fatherhood will not change the frequency of my blogging. Thankfully, I am inexplicably proficient at one-handed typing, so blogging whilst soothing baby should be a breeze. So, like clockwork, I will continue to post every two to 18 weeks, NHL playoffs excepted.

But the content of my posts may change. I mean, how could it not? Being a father is changing my whole outlook on life.

For example, the prospect, however remote, that Stephen Harper might eat babies was mildly concerning when they were babies in the abstract. But it's downright terrifying now that it's my baby that's at risk. In 2008, look for more posts against federal infantavorism.

And I used to mock Harper's piddly $100 per month Universal Childcare Benefit. But now I see the value of that monthly infusion of cash in subsidizing my increased costs of pay-per-view movies now that I am up at all hours attending to a crying baby. Mind you, the benefit could be higher. At $12.99 a pop, a measly 100 loonies won't even get me through Comely Coeds 9. In the new year, look for more posts advocating for a generous universal porn top-up for new parents.

My life right now is pretty much about two things: one, trying to attach meaning to incessant incoherent bellowing; and, two, poo -- endless streams of foul, runny poo. Come January, watch for more posts about speeches by federal Environment Minister John Baird.

Anyway, I have to run. Little Karlheinz is stirring.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

And maybe a title for this post too?

Okay, ya'll. Once I take care of a few errands around the homestead (shoveling snow, dealing with the cat's latest 'cling-on' issue, ordering a bunch of Ottawonk thongs for stocking stuffers) I'm going to get right back to the blogging thing.

To help me with that (the blogging, but would it hurt you to pick up a kitty turd or two?)... I was thinking maybe y'all could go all Aught-six and send me some title suggestions for new posts.

Do it now, or you'll never see the rest of that $500,000.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hello, Kitty. We thought you'd like a little truth in advertising

Disclaimer: the following presentation is fictional. Any resemblance to actual creatures, real, imagined or chemically induced, or to persons natural or corporate, whether alive, dead, undead, preserved or stunned out of their excited delirium, is completely and utterly unintentional, accidental and otherwise one big coinkyidink, and we aren't even smirking or crossing our fingers when we say that. The phrases "Olympic", "Games", "2010", "Winter", "Cold", "Snow", "Snow Bunny", and "Baby Jesus" are, we think, registered trademarks of VANOC. So are, we assume, the phrases "We've Trademarked Everything So You Can't Say Anything", "Colossal Waste of $$$", and "Why, Yes, $580 Million Would Feed a Lot of Hungry Kids". Until Tuesday, we thought the phrases "Pokemon" and "Hello Kitty" weren't, but now we aren't so sure.

Right about now, in a crowded auditorium somewhere in Metro Vancouver...

Ladies and gentlemen, sporting fans, children of all ages (Mesdames et messeurs, sacs de monnaie, petits consommateurs de tout age)... The 2009-and-12-months Olympuck FuntimesTM commitee is proud to introduce to you (Le commité des Bonstemps Olymphoque 2009-et-12-moisWTF est fier de vous vendre)...

The 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtime mascots! (Les p'tits cashcows des Bonstemps Olymphoque 2009-et-12-mois, tabernac!)

These ambassadors of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes tell the real story of British Columbia: political, historical and natural (Ces ambassadeurs des Bonstemps Olymiphoque 2009-et-12-mois representent les vrais contes de fée de la C-B: politique, historique... satirique?)

Swimming... no,, swimming his way into the theatre, it's.... Muta!

Muta is a mysterious and wonderful creature, part Orca whale, part seagull. The great force that gives Muta his fantastic form is the Funtimes spirit. That, and a soup of toxic chemicals in the ocean. But soup is good for you, right kids? And that fun baking soda volcano you made in science class -- that's chemistry! Chemicals are like magic, but better, because magic doesn't contribute to the provincial GDP. Well, except for Harry Potter, but we don't own his trademark. Yet.

If you look closely, you will see that Muta is sporting a bit of propeller-shaped a boo-boo, which just shows how much he loves to play tag with cruise ships and speedboats. Toot toot! Watch out, Mr. Oil tanker -- it's that rascal Muta!

And from that plastic six-pack ring wrapped around his neck, it looks like Muta had some soda to share -- that's JazzTM Soda, the official drink of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes -- but he couldn't resist drinking them all. That's okay, Muta. But how about you swim-fly to WallyMartTM, the official store of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes, and get us some more? Goooooooo, Muta!!!!

And who's this cute little critter whirling her way onto the stage? Why, it's Suyu!!!

Suyu the crafty coyote represents our province's mischievous first nations. We call them "first nations" because they were the first people European explorers met when they discovered this nation. Suyu likes to tell tall tales, like one called "You stole my land". We call these stories "legends". You will notice that Suyu has a detachable mouth, because sometimes, like say from 1927 to 1951, it's good for her to have a little time-out on the naughty mat for bothering busy grownups, like judges, with her stories. Telling a story to a judge is like tattling to your school principal. Nobody likes a tattle tale, right, kids? Oh, silly Suyu!

But as her name suggests, little Suyu keeps on telling her stories, when she could be making treaties. Treaties are like a bag of toys, where everybody shares, and there is enough for everyone. Sharing is good, right kids? In our province, we've made three whole treaties! Three is like a triple-scoop ice cream cone. Silly, silly Suyu! Don't you like ice cream? But we like her anyway, because her hat is pretty and her dancing makes us happy. Hurray for Suyu!!!

And last but not least, who's that husky guy thumping his way down the aisle? My goodness, it's... Squashi!!!

Squashi the sasquatch is the protector of the Funtimes spirit in BC. From his steel-toed boots to his strong arms, Squashi is there to give a gentle "squash" to any little meanies who would poo-poo our Funtimes. Kids, your parents might remember Squashi as the mascot for the 1997 APEC Summit. The silly meanies were making too much rude noise, so Squashy playfully squirted them with mace, which is sort of like silly string, but with more flavour. So don't make rude noise to wreck everybody's Funtimes, or Squashi might squash you, or wrestle you, or zap you with his handheld Magic Lightning Bolt. Yikes, Squashi -- that tickles!

During the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes, you might see Squashi greeting visitors at the Vancouver International Airport.

And there they are, kids... your 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtime mascots!!!

If you'd like to give one of these guys a great big
Olympuck Funtime spirit hug, line up right here beside the stage. Hugs are only $14.99, or three for $40! Major credit cards accepted.

[Original (and probably trademarked) artwork courtesy of Alison]


Monday, November 26, 2007

And an analgesic for the puppy

[Okay, let's get this out of the way, shall we? Yeah, I've been away for a while. So what? I've been busy trying on sweaters. And, so help me Earthgodmother, if I get so much as one taunt, one snide remark, anything remotely resembling "Welcome back, Once-a-Year Boy!" -- well, I just might cry. 'Nuff said. Onto your (ir)regularly scheduled post...]

I'm all about analogies. Love 'em. In the political realm, a good analogy can really cut through political doublespeak and put the essence of a policy into perspective. That, and there's "anal" in the word, which sounds sort of naughty.

Speaking of which, last week saw some dirty machinations on the part of the Harper Government at the Commonwealth leaders' summit in Kampala. You know the story: Steve-o the torpedo single-handedly deep-sixed a deal on firm GHG reduction targets, refusing to sign unless India and other developing countries were also forced to cut emissions. No point in countries such as Canada committing to reductions, Harper's stated rationale goes, unless all the major emitters do. Talk about ruining a tea party.

So here's the analogy that comes to mind...

A gang of punks are kicking the doo-doo out of a puppy (The puppy's name doesn't matter, but let's call him "The Capacity of the Earth to Sustain Life as We Know it". 'Fluffy' for short.) In a pang of conscience, one of the punks proposes that they all stop kicking the puppy. Most agree. (After all, it's a nice puppy, and WWE Raw is almost on.)

Harper's like the dude who says: "Well, we could stop kicking the puppy, and I'm certainly willing to... but only if the kid with the biggest boots stops first."

Only in Canada, you say? Pity.


Monday, January 01, 2007

Sorta like a hernia

Hey, kids. Happy 2007 and all that noise.

Just thought I'd break the deafening blog silence to announce... well, that there will be more blog silence.

I'm going to take, as they say, a hiatus. And before you make some snide remark about a person having to actually post once in a while in order to have something to take a hiatus from, just -- well, just don't. Unless you are Jack Layton, in which case you probably can't help yourself.

I'll be back in a month or two. Five tops. Oh, shit -- I'm back when I'm back.

Stay real.