Saturday, September 02, 2006

Working Title 3: Fun with Dimethylsulphoxide

Thanks for the title, Procrastinatrix. When I first read your suggestion, I had no idea what you were talking about. Dimethylsuphoxide. Never heard of it. Then it hit me: ohhhhh... she means Dimethylsulphoxide. Learn to type, girl.

Now, as any moron knows, Dimethylsulphoxide is a dipolar aprotic solvent that permeates cellular and vascular membranes. Duh. Which made me wonder whether this title suggestion was your way to get me to talk about Fawzia A. Fahim's research into the antitumor activities of Iodoacetate and Dimethylsulphoxide against solid ehrlich carcinoma growth in mice. Please, as if that topic hasn't been blogged to death.

But these thoughts of morons and chemical solvents reminded me of another story: "Residents duped in blackened money scam."

With the exception of truly vulnerable members of society -- the elderly, the mentally challenged, me in the presence of a True Confections chocolate-banana cream pie -- anybody who falls for a scam that lame deserves to wave buh-bye to a whole lot of coin (and a kidney or two for good measure). Call it a cost of being stupid.

Or call it financial Darwinism. When doofus hands 50 g's to a couple of guys with a sedan full of sooty monopoly money and a flat of club soda, the said doofus, to the extent of his payout, has removed himself from the economy. Which is good for us all. Cash that in his idle hands would have been wasted on a copy of Toilet Training your Cat for Dummies or an apartment full of 'As Seen on TV' crap (And by 'crap', I mean stuff other than RonCo Spray-on Hair, which is a fine product. Gave me the pubes of 20 year old, swear to god) will now be invested into the real engines of GDP -- like meth labs and human smuggling rings.

Which reminded me of this other headline: Money woes could affect Liberal convention. Er, the Darwinism, not the scamming.

Rae under half a million. Ignatieff under $400,000. Volpe at $340,000. (And half of that was in arcade tokens.) Darwinism: If you don't have the ability to adapt to your environment -- in this case, Chretien's campaign finance reforms (Jean's other exploding-cigar gift to would-be successors) -- you risk being removed from the political gene pool. Which leaves Stephen Harper in the pool at 24 Sussex... where he and Laureen are probably lounging right now.

I mean, in Vancouver's Shaughnessy neighbourhood, the average six year old with a lemonade stand grosses $500,000 a summer, and that's with time off for polo lessons. Is Canada's natural governing party so devoid of new ideas and money smarts that not one of its supposed best and brightest can figure out how to generate a measly mil in contributions?

If I may be so bold, kids, a few fundraising suggestions...

The Martha Hall Findlay Trivia Challenge: Contestants make a modest donation to compete for valuable prizes by answering questions about Martha, such as: "Hall-Findlay -- hyphen or no hyphen?" and the grand-prize stumper... "Who the fuck is she, anyway?"

The Kick Bob Rae in his Piano-Playing Tax-and-Spend Ass for a Toonie booth: Self-explanatory. Open only to residents of Ontario from 1990-95. For an extra buck, you can kick him in the ass while he plays piano.

Iggy's Dungeon of permissible Duress: Contributors pay by the hour to enact scenarios from Michael Ignatieff's book, The Lesser Evil... on Michael Ignatieff! Put Iggy in an isolation hood. Subject him to disorienting noise (Drowning Pool's "Bodies" perhaps). Stress him out with misinformation: "Iggy, we have footage of you waxing your unibrow!" When you're done with him, for an extra $10 you can go home with a commemorative 'torture warrant'.

Gerard and a Hair Rub, Two Bits: Tousle Kennedy's boyish mop for a quarter. 'Cause you know you want to. Noogies extra.

Deke out Dryden: Ken's back between the pipes for a little breakaway action. Bucket of pucks for 10 bucks. As an added bonus, he'll drone on for hours about early childhood education if you manage to sneak a shot through the 5 hole. Or even if you don't.

Dion chante Dion: A $20 contribution gets you this 5-track album featuring Stephane covering Celine's biggest hits, but with politically-tweaked lyrics. Hear the inspiring, albeit awkward, 'Love Can Move Mountains (But Only Extensive Environmental Review Can Mitigate Against Damage to the Alpine Ecosystem)' and 'Beauty is the Beast' -- a tender ballad in honour of his dog Kyoto and all the animals on Schedule 1 of the Species at Risk Act.

Carolyn's Cabaret: $100 to the Bennett campaign will get you a ticket to this vaudevillian one-woman act. See Carolyn do celebrity impressions. Well, she does just one -- a circa-On Golden Pond Katherine Hepburn... on speed. But it's really good, and she never stops.

Joe Volpe: No gimmicks required. School's back in session on Tuesday, and Unca Joe's got some goons on playground patrol. Lunch money should be pouring in by Friday.

Yeah, so hope that helps. But I gotta run. This chap from the Ivory Coast emailed me about an unclaimed US $5 million hidden by the former President of Tanzania, and let's just say I stand to get a huge cut. I'm off to the bank to wire him some money for expenses right now. And there you sit at your day-jobs. Morons!
*

17 Comments:

At September 02, 2006 7:19 PM, Blogger Procrastinatrix said...

haha, I'm so not creative. WAs trying to sound smart and event spelled the stupid name wrong. But you made it funny. That's all that counts.

 
At September 03, 2006 12:31 AM, Blogger Saskboy said...

"where he and Laureen are probably lounging right now."

I read that aloud, and someone thought I said "mounting".

 
At September 04, 2006 9:41 AM, Blogger Havril said...

Procrast: Now worries. Why,just the other day, I misspelled oxyphenbutazone.

Saskboy: Um, maybe you should read the kids something more traditional for a bedtime story. Just saying.

 
At September 04, 2006 9:47 AM, Anonymous riis said...

okay,now that's just funny. where can i get stephane's cd?

 
At September 04, 2006 11:48 PM, Blogger Scout said...

shit. i'm setting up a lemonade stand in shaunessy!!! i'l do a little tampering with the recipe and add some prozac, that'll get repeat customers for sure.

 
At September 07, 2006 4:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

when I tell Carolyn you wrote that she sounds like hepburn on speed, carolyn AND both her supporters are going to stop reading your blog.

 
At September 08, 2006 11:55 AM, Blogger Havril said...

Riis: As in Nelson Riis? I'm honoured. As a former parliamentarian, you must have some sort of special access to the HoC. I'd just slip a note under his door. If that doesn't work, check iTunes.

Scout: I dunno if that's gonna work. You see, you have to be from there to make the big bucks. Nobody is gonna buy $19 lemonade from an outsider. You have to look like them. I'd suggest a funny t-shirt. Something like My parents avoided paying taxes by putting $15.7 million into a family trust and all I get until I'm 19 is a measely $5,000 per week allowance... and this lousy t-shirt.

Anon: I'll deny everything. Hackers. It was hackers.

 
At September 09, 2006 2:41 AM, Blogger Scout said...

damn havril....my wardrobe looks anything but shaunassey. maybe the t-shirt and condi rice will lend me a pair of her old designer jeans....my mark's workwearhouse don't quite fit the bill. and they won't check my undewear, right?

 
At September 09, 2006 7:02 PM, Blogger Jason Bo Green said...

Holy cats, where have you been all my life? This is the best blog entry I've read ever, I think - it's better than Mercer. He should hire you on.

 
At September 11, 2006 9:29 AM, Blogger Havril said...

Leapin' liberals, jason. I've been right... here [havril touches his long, reptilian-like finger to jason's heart]. I'll pretend it's a good day and choose to believe your kinds words instead of assuming that k-dough put you up to them as part of a pick-on-the-slow-kid prank. So, thanks for that and for sticking with such a lengthy post. You know, if you really think Mercer should hire me, I'd not be opposed to some sort of petition. He's stopped accepting my calls (and cards and chocolates and scented oils). Thanks again. Hav

 
At September 11, 2006 9:31 PM, Blogger Candace said...

You're actually much funnier than Mercer, IMHO, in that you are consistently funny and rarely lame (having never met you in person and having equally no clue as to your personal life, I could be wrong. Maybe you are like K-dough and have such a wild life that you continually walk funny due to overexertion of certain muscles?)

 
At September 12, 2006 1:02 PM, Blogger K-Dough said...

Plain and simple- I fucking love you! (man! sorry I should have inserted that in the previous sentence. Shit- did I say insert. I didn't mean ...aww, nevermind)

 
At September 12, 2006 1:30 PM, Blogger Havril said...

K-man, you always try to sweet talk me when you want to get laid. As always, I'm flattered... and nauseated.

You rampant praisers just wait -- I'm one lottery win (or rich benefactor) away from ditching my day job and doing this full time. Then you'll be sorry. Bwa-ha-ha-ha.

 
At September 12, 2006 8:35 PM, Blogger Scout said...

havril, what will your next topic be (anxiously awaiting, taking tranques in anticipation, happy pills when it doesn't appear.....going to safe injection sites in case one never happens again....you are so frickin' cruel!!!!!!!)

 
At September 13, 2006 8:25 AM, Blogger Havril said...

Scout: I think it'll be "Carrot Cake Ruined my Life". Has a certain Maury Povich ring to it. But the demands of life outside the b'sphere -- work, Rockstar Supernova, cultivating rock hard abs -- have intervened again, so it'll likely be Saturday until I post again. So stand down, stand by, and step away from the Valium.

Candace: Thanks. Either I'm blushing, or I have lipstick on my cheeks again (mobbed by ladies on the Skytrain -- it happens a lot). But Mercer's hair is consistently curlier than mine, so I call it a draw. Speaking of hair, my hat goes off to folks like you and the k-man who post every day or so, and are consistently funny / interesting to boot. I don't know how you manage it. For K-dough, I assumed it had something to do with Axe body spray, but you strike me as more a Chanel girl. However you guys do it, kudos.

 
At September 13, 2006 9:22 PM, Blogger Scout said...

'carrot cake ruined my life'...or is that 'costco carrot cake'? will stand , er, sit by for saturday whilst i recover from a tooth extraction on friday (RICKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! WAA WAA WAA!)

 
At September 14, 2006 3:46 PM, Blogger Havril said...

Ah, drugged all to hell -- just the way I like my readers, Scout.

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home