Working Title 3: Fun with Dimethylsulphoxide

Thanks for the title, Procrastinatrix. When I first read your suggestion, I had no idea what you were talking about. Dimethylsuphoxide. Never heard of it. Then it hit me: ohhhhh... she means Dimethylsulphoxide. Learn to type, girl.

Now, as any moron knows, Dimethylsulphoxide is a dipolar aprotic solvent that permeates cellular and vascular membranes. Duh. Which made me wonder whether this title suggestion was your way to get me to talk about Fawzia A. Fahim's research into the antitumor activities of Iodoacetate and Dimethylsulphoxide against solid ehrlich carcinoma growth in mice. Please, as if that topic hasn't been blogged to death.

But these thoughts of morons and chemical solvents reminded me of another story: "Residents duped in blackened money scam."

With the exception of truly vulnerable members of society -- the elderly, the mentally challenged, me in the presence of a True Confections chocolate-banana cream pie -- anybody who falls for a scam that lame deserves to wave buh-bye to a whole lot of coin (and a kidney or two for good measure). Call it a cost of being stupid.

Or call it financial Darwinism. When doofus hands 50 g's to a couple of guys with a sedan full of sooty monopoly money and a flat of club soda, the said doofus, to the extent of his payout, has removed himself from the economy. Which is good for us all. Cash that in his idle hands would have been wasted on a copy of Toilet Training your Cat for Dummies or an apartment full of 'As Seen on TV' crap (And by 'crap', I mean stuff other than RonCo Spray-on Hair, which is a fine product. Gave me the pubes of 20 year old, swear to god) will now be invested into the real engines of GDP -- like meth labs and human smuggling rings.

Which reminded me of this other headline: Money woes could affect Liberal convention. Er, the Darwinism, not the scamming.

Rae under half a million. Ignatieff under $400,000. Volpe at $340,000. (And half of that was in arcade tokens.) Darwinism: If you don't have the ability to adapt to your environment -- in this case, Chretien's campaign finance reforms (Jean's other exploding-cigar gift to would-be successors) -- you risk being removed from the political gene pool. Which leaves Stephen Harper in the pool at 24 Sussex... where he and Laureen are probably lounging right now.

I mean, in Vancouver's Shaughnessy neighbourhood, the average six year old with a lemonade stand grosses $500,000 a summer, and that's with time off for polo lessons. Is Canada's natural governing party so devoid of new ideas and money smarts that not one of its supposed best and brightest can figure out how to generate a measly mil in contributions?

If I may be so bold, kids, a few fundraising suggestions...

The Martha Hall Findlay Trivia Challenge: Contestants make a modest donation to compete for valuable prizes by answering questions about Martha, such as: "Hall-Findlay -- hyphen or no hyphen?" and the grand-prize stumper... "Who the fuck is she, anyway?"

The Kick Bob Rae in his Piano-Playing Tax-and-Spend Ass for a Toonie booth: Self-explanatory. Open only to residents of Ontario from 1990-95. For an extra buck, you can kick him in the ass while he plays piano.

Iggy's Dungeon of permissible Duress: Contributors pay by the hour to enact scenarios from Michael Ignatieff's book, The Lesser Evil... on Michael Ignatieff! Put Iggy in an isolation hood. Subject him to disorienting noise (Drowning Pool's "Bodies" perhaps). Stress him out with misinformation: "Iggy, we have footage of you waxing your unibrow!" When you're done with him, for an extra $10 you can go home with a commemorative 'torture warrant'.

Gerard and a Hair Rub, Two Bits: Tousle Kennedy's boyish mop for a quarter. 'Cause you know you want to. Noogies extra.

Deke out Dryden: Ken's back between the pipes for a little breakaway action. Bucket of pucks for 10 bucks. As an added bonus, he'll drone on for hours about early childhood education if you manage to sneak a shot through the 5 hole. Or even if you don't.

Dion chante Dion: A $20 contribution gets you this 5-track album featuring Stephane covering Celine's biggest hits, but with politically-tweaked lyrics. Hear the inspiring, albeit awkward, 'Love Can Move Mountains (But Only Extensive Environmental Review Can Mitigate Against Damage to the Alpine Ecosystem)' and 'Beauty is the Beast' -- a tender ballad in honour of his dog Kyoto and all the animals on Schedule 1 of the Species at Risk Act.

Carolyn's Cabaret: $100 to the Bennett campaign will get you a ticket to this vaudevillian one-woman act. See Carolyn do celebrity impressions. Well, she does just one -- a circa-On Golden Pond Katherine Hepburn... on speed. But it's really good, and she never stops.

Joe Volpe: No gimmicks required. School's back in session on Tuesday, and Unca Joe's got some goons on playground patrol. Lunch money should be pouring in by Friday.

Yeah, so hope that helps. But I gotta run. This chap from the Ivory Coast emailed me about an unclaimed US $5 million hidden by the former President of Tanzania, and let's just say I stand to get a huge cut. I'm off to the bank to wire him some money for expenses right now. And there you sit at your day-jobs. Morons!

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