Working Title 2: Harper disses Village People! In Tuktoyuktuk!

As was an all-too-common occurrence back when I haunted a certain institution of higher learning, this morning I awoke to the sober light of Monday and regretted something I had done over the weekend.

Er, not that. What, does everybody know about that? 'Discretion assured', my ass! No, I mean my last post. Harper should have attended the World Aids Conference, I said. What was I smoking?

I mean, what would I have Stevie actually do at the Conference, exactly? He shows face, face gives speech, face gets booed. Then what -- is he supposed to hang out with the other big-profile attendees? How embarrassing would that be?

[Harper, scouring the hors d'oeuvre table for something not containing spelt. Up walks Bill Gates...]

Gates: "Mr. Prime Minister. Let me say that your Government's commitment to an additional $10 million over 5 years for AIDS research will nicely compliment the $967 trillion Melinda and I are giving. This month."

Harper: "Yes, well, Laureen and I are also very generous with these sorts of matters. Why, just the other day we gave a loonie to a street performer. He was a mime, if you catch my drift..."

[Up saunters former US President Bill Clinton, chicken satay skewer in hand]: "Mr. Gates, Mr. Prime Minister."

Harper: "Hello, Mr. Pres -- er, is it okay if I don't call you that? That's what George lets me call him, and, well, it would just feel wrong."

Clinton: "Um, 'Bill' is fine. Hey, it was really great of you to show up. I mean, I know you're a little uncomfortable with..."

Harper: "-- I also got a stain on a dress once, you know. Mustard. Laureen and I were at this Reform Party wiener roast and..."

Clinton: "Er, that's nice. Excuse me, I told Stephen Lewis I'd take him to the Cannonball, so..."

Harper [to Gates]: "Guess that just leaves us geeks, other Bill. You know, speaking of money, I was thinking your company might want in on the oil action in Northern Alberta. Lot of pipelines up there, and I just heard the other day that this inter-web of yours is a series of tubes..."

Gates [looks at watch, feigns surprise]: "Wow! Is it 4:00 already? I have to get to Price Club before it closes. Melinda goes through Alphagetti's by the case."

Harper [to back of Gates' head]: "Yeah, so, I'll have Emerson call you about that tube thing, then... Bill? Bill? Now, where were those Chicken Satays?"

Yeah, so it was maybe a good thing that he skipped out on the conference and -- what was he doing instead? Right. Kicking it in Nunavut. Asserting Canadian sovereignty over the Arctic by his mere Harperian presence. Shit, he really is a beacon. (And, as evidenced above, a damn good ice-breaker.)

Which is a good thing. I'm all for Stevie pounding the permafrost, licking the lichens, mushing the dog. In fact, I'd have his government do even more on the Arctic sovereignty file: An armada of ice breakers. Annual Prime Ministerial visits with the sole purpose of letting Stevie urinate directly on the north pole. (There is an actual pole there, right? Could be metal. Best just aim from the deck of the ship.)

It's about symbolism. It's about showing that, now matter how uncomfortable it is for the PM to spend a few hours in a chilly, hostile environment, hey, he's going to do it, because this is important to Canada and the World. Um, which is completely different from the AIDS Conference thing. Somehow. Trust me.

And, apparently, it's all about timing. Stevie's participation in 'Operation No Go Yellow Snow' could not wait. Not one single day. As the Prime Minister himself said, when it comes to the international community recognizing Canada's sovereignty, it's a matter of use it or lose it.

Um, which is completely different from Canada's moral authority to speak on issues of international importance. Somehow. Trust me.

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