Monday, August 28, 2006

Working Title 2: Harper disses Village People! In Tuktoyuktuk!

As was an all-too-common occurrence back when I haunted a certain institution of higher learning, this morning I awoke to the sober light of Monday and regretted something I had done over the weekend.

Er, not that. What, does everybody know about that? 'Discretion assured', my ass! No, I mean my last post. Harper should have attended the World Aids Conference, I said. What was I smoking?

I mean, what would I have Stevie actually do at the Conference, exactly? He shows face, face gives speech, face gets booed. Then what -- is he supposed to hang out with the other big-profile attendees? How embarrassing would that be?

[Harper, scouring the hors d'oeuvre table for something not containing spelt. Up walks Bill Gates...]

Gates: "Mr. Prime Minister. Let me say that your Government's commitment to an additional $10 million over 5 years for AIDS research will nicely compliment the $967 trillion Melinda and I are giving. This month."

Harper: "Yes, well, Laureen and I are also very generous with these sorts of matters. Why, just the other day we gave a loonie to a street performer. He was a
mime, if you catch my drift..."

[Up saunters former US President Bill Clinton, chicken satay skewer in hand]: "Mr. Gates, Mr. Prime Minister."

Harper: "Hello, Mr. Pres -- er, is it okay if I don't call you that? That's what George lets me call him, and, well, it would just feel wrong."

Clinton: "Um, 'Bill' is fine. Hey, it was really great of you to show up. I mean, I know you're a little uncomfortable with..."

Harper: "-- I
also got a stain on a dress once, you know. Mustard. Laureen and I were at this Reform Party wiener roast and..."

Clinton: "Er, that's nice. Excuse me, I told Stephen Lewis I'd take him to the Cannonball, so..."

Harper [to Gates]: "Guess that just leaves us geeks, other Bill. You know, speaking of money, I was thinking your company might want in on the oil action in Northern Alberta. Lot of pipelines up there, and I just heard the other day that this inter-web of yours is a series of tubes..."

Gates [looks at watch, feigns surprise]: "Wow! Is it 4:00 already? I have to get to Price Club before it closes. Melinda goes through Alphagetti's by the case."

Harper [to back of Gates' head]: "Yeah, so, I'll have Emerson call you about that tube thing, then... Bill? Bill? Now, where were those Chicken Satays?"

Yeah, so it was maybe a good thing that he skipped out on the conference and -- what was he doing instead? Right. Kicking it in Nunavut. Asserting Canadian sovereignty over the Arctic by his mere Harperian presence. Shit, he really is a beacon. (And, as evidenced above, a damn good ice-breaker.)

Which is a good thing. I'm all for Stevie pounding the permafrost, licking the lichens, mushing the dog. In fact, I'd have his government do even more on the Arctic sovereignty file: An armada of ice breakers. Annual Prime Ministerial visits with the sole purpose of letting Stevie urinate directly on the north pole. (There is an actual pole there, right? Could be metal. Best just aim from the deck of the ship.)

It's about symbolism. It's about showing that, now matter how uncomfortable it is for the PM to spend a few hours in a chilly, hostile environment, hey, he's going to do it, because this is important to Canada and the World. Um, which is completely different from the AIDS Conference thing. Somehow. Trust me.

And, apparently, it's all about timing. Stevie's participation in 'Operation No Go Yellow Snow' could not wait. Not one single day. As the Prime Minister himself said, when it comes to the international community recognizing Canada's sovereignty, it's a matter of use it or lose it.

Um, which is completely different from Canada's moral authority to speak on issues of international importance. Somehow. Trust me.


At August 29, 2006 12:33 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Announcement: I'm starting a Havril fan club. Of course, I'll be sending you a pdf contract which contains a few mere items like siging off on all your merchandising rights. Is that cool with you?

At August 29, 2006 12:33 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Announcement: I'm starting a Havril fan club. Of course, I'll be sending you a pdf contract which contains a few mere items like siging off on all your merchandising rights. Is that cool with you?

At August 29, 2006 1:03 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Gee, thanks, k-man. Gee, thanks, k-man.

As it's really all about the 'art' for me, you can market Havril swag so long as I maintain creative control. How's "Have Havril?" as a slogan.

Wait my lawyers are telling me that might have been a contract. Wait. I am a lawyer. Shit, that might have been a contract.

At August 29, 2006 8:00 p.m., Blogger Scout said...

whoa whoa wait!!! scout media international inc. has first publishing rights on all havril's stuff PLUS the merchandise contract. cross me havril and my blood-sucking heavy hitting lawyers will have your blogging arse!!!

k-dough, get your headhunters outta here!

ok, the CEO says: more! more! plus the steve/boreen romance novel ....btw you're past the deadine for your first edit.

fucking artists, can't rely on them.

At August 29, 2006 11:20 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Don't worry everyone, when Harper passes Canada's DMCA in the Fall, everything will be so copywrited and trademarked up the wazoo, that it will be illegal for Havril to publish anything because whoever designed the Internets Tubes has the patent for humour online.

Tell me Havril, you must write the humour editorials for some major newspaper, right?

At August 30, 2006 2:18 a.m., Blogger Alison said...

Havril, I saw that you'd posted about this issue of international importance on all the major blogs today and I just missed you earlier at CathiefromCanada.
Aren't you going to say anything about it here?

At August 30, 2006 7:17 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

Yes, yes, alison, I've been a huge proponent of funeral stripping for some time, and I'm burning up the comment sections with my dogged advocacy for the erotic rights of the recently deceased. In fact, I'm working on a 10-part exposee of the issure right now. Still in the research stage -- interviewing strippers. Stay tuned.

At August 30, 2006 7:25 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Hol-ee shit! This is such a fucking coincidence.

I plan to die in the nude!!!

At August 30, 2006 7:33 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

Hey, Saskboy...

The Act will actually vest control over all forms of humour (except, by virtue of a drafting loophole, any 1960s novelty song) to the Chiquita family of Equador, whose patriarch is credited with inventing the banana peel gag in 1856.

Sure, sure, I write for major newspapers. But just on the side. My other gigs writing for Rick Mercer and Daily Show keep me pretty busy. And that stinking, humourless office job I go to every day -- I do that just because it's a real passion of mine and I would just die if I had to give it up to make a living from writing comedy. I'm truly blessed that I've been able to follow my suit and tie dream.

What about you -- I'm pretty sure I saw your stuff in Farmers' Jam Jar Quarterly.

At August 30, 2006 7:36 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

k-dough. Nude. I didn't know that was part of the plan. But still slumped over a toilet in a sleazy off-the-strip Vegas hotel room, right?

At August 30, 2006 8:31 a.m., Blogger Nicole said...

HA!!! Read your comment about Rider fans...I suppose you are a Lions fan....Geroy Simon is going DOWN!!!!! :-D

ps....I am NEVER drunk at Rider my shoes stay clean.
afterwards is ANOTHER story though LOL

At August 30, 2006 8:57 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Hav- that is so clicheed. I am actually developing the nude death scenario right now with the help of Sigfield and Roy's special effects team, a bevy of topless show girls, Dizzle from Inked and Neil Diamond- although I haven't exactly figure out how Neil will fit in yet.

At August 30, 2006 6:08 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Oh me? I may look like a computer fix-it guy, but I'm really a blogger in disguise.

At August 30, 2006 10:35 p.m., Blogger Scout said...

but, but, havril.....if there's nude funerals, surely there must be nude burials. does this mean naked ash spreading too?

ran into alison today. we're both happy you're on a good blogging roll again!!! i'll have to email cheez whiz, she'll be glad to hear this (oh no, are we havril groupies?). cheez is doing mundane things like writing her doctoral thesis....i mean geeze, why concentrate on that over blogging???

At August 30, 2006 11:18 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Scout. Please, no more talk of nekkidness. I don't want to lose my G rating.

Anyway... You ran into Alison? Like in real life? But she lives on an island. Did you swim over? Raft? Carried by otters?

As for the 'good roll. Thanks. I'll try not to disappoint. I'm gonna shoot for at least a post a week. Sounds reasonable, so long as I have my day job. Guess nobody in the havril fanclub is a rich benefactoress who will pay me an allowance to blog full time? Didn't think so. Could you at least spot enough for a flat of rootbeer?

At August 31, 2006 10:08 p.m., Blogger Scout said...

hav, alison and i live on the same island. i've been here 20 years, she's been here , i don't know, 25 or 30. but i did ride over on the back of a deer to see her.

ya, a post a week would be good, i'd get my dose of havril (much needed). i'll google around for a blogging sugar mamma for ya, mrs. gates may be interested.

meantime i can sport ya about one bottle of rootbeer. booked my seasonal affective disorder winter get away trip , won't be long and i'll be camping for four months, looking for found food (find the non-sprayed avacado and papaya groves, pick the good ones on the ground). may be picking coffee beans to make some daily $$$. will take laptop , know a bevvy of 'hotspots' and can post the 'stupid famous people contest' from there. why am i telling you all this??? shit, next thing you'll be charging me for therapy.

At September 01, 2006 6:09 a.m., Blogger cheezwhiz said...

Welcome back, Havril. I have some Canadian Tire money...

At September 01, 2006 9:26 a.m., Anonymous GozoGeek said...

"Scout said...

but, but, havril.....if there's nude funerals, surely there must be nude burials. does this mean naked ash spreading too?"

Scout: Methinks that if you practice spreading your ash when naked you had better not be in the communal shower of cell block D at Stony Mountain.

I also think Havril could write a book on Public Nudity and likely would if he could get past the in depth interviews with devotees of the practice.

Good post Scout. Way to go Havril, welcome back.


At September 01, 2006 9:46 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

Gozogeek. I recognize that font... you're my old warden, aren't you?!

In case anyone is wondering, Gozo's comments about my having an in with devotees of public nudity refers to, I assume, an anti-grizzly hunt protest group I lead in the early 90's called "Baring for Bears". It was hastily disbanded after an unfortunate encounter with a patch of thistle a backcountry march. The humanity, my god, the humanity.

At September 11, 2006 9:27 p.m., Blogger Candace said...

Hav, I hav missed you. Welcome back.


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