tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-185068042024-03-13T16:37:30.530-07:00[insert something clever]Okay, this has to be something catchy. "An irreverent, slightly skewed look at the sociopolitical..." No, too bookish. How about... "The missives and musings of a thirty-something Canuck who..." No, too much like an online dating profile. Man, this is a lot of crap. Think. Think. Why do I even bother with this? I hope I don't run out of friggin' spaHavrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.comBlogger102125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-38321337950393320152007-12-29T13:49:00.000-08:002007-12-29T17:08:28.385-08:00Oh baby (he said, not referring to Sheila Copps)Be afraid, be very afraid. Havril has replicated.<br /><br />Round about a fortnight ago, my wife and I were given the best little package you can get that won't bring you before a Commons Committee -- our first child, a beautiful baby boy. To protect his identity, let's call him "Karlheinz", and let's say he weighed between two and 18 pounds.<br /><br />And to answer the question you must be asking, why yes, I <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> the father. I mean, my wife says so, and the boy does have my testicles. Now, the rest of him looks oddly like Joe Clark, but I'm told that's a natural stage of child development.<br /><br />To answer another question you might be asking, no, fatherhood will not change the frequency of my blogging. Thankfully, I am inexplicably proficient at one-handed typing, so blogging whilst soothing baby should be a breeze. So, like clockwork, I will continue to post every two to 18 weeks, NHL playoffs excepted.<br /><br />But the <span style="font-style: italic;">content</span> of my posts may change. I mean, how could it not? Being a father is changing my whole outlook on life.<br /><br />For example, the prospect, however remote, that Stephen Harper <a href="http://ottawonk.blogspot.com/2006/05/rapid-response-from-pmo-war-room.html" target="blank">might eat babies</a> was mildly concerning when they were babies in the abstract. But it's downright terrifying now that it's<span style="font-style: italic;"> my </span>baby that's at risk. In 2008, look for more posts against federal infantavorism.<br /><br />And I used to <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2005/12/election-week-2-ban-popcorn-buy-beer.html" target="blank">mock</a> Harper's piddly $100 per month Universal Childcare Benefit. But now I see the value of that monthly infusion of cash in subsidizing my increased costs of pay-per-view movies now that I am up at all hours attending to a crying baby. Mind you, the benefit could be higher. At $12.99 a pop, a measly 100 loonies won't even get me through <span style="font-style: italic;">Comely Coeds 9</span>. In the new year, look for more posts advocating for a generous universal porn top-up for new parents.<br /><br />My life right now is pretty much about two things: one, trying to attach meaning to incessant incoherent bellowing; and, two, poo -- endless streams of foul, runny poo. Come January, watch for more posts about speeches by federal Environment Minister John Baird.<br /><br />Anyway, I have to run. Little Karlheinz is stirring.<br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><br /><br /><span style=""></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-12254333145357318462007-12-01T11:40:00.000-08:002007-12-04T16:16:30.359-08:00And maybe a title for this post too?Okay, ya'll. Once I take care of a few errands around the homestead (shoveling snow, dealing with the cat's latest 'cling-on' issue, ordering a bunch of <a href="http://ottawonk.blogspot.com/2007/11/tis-season-for-bunch-of-cheap-crap.html" target="blank">Ottawonk</a> <a href="http://www.cafepress.com/ottawonk3.195392014" target="blank">thongs</a> for stocking stuffers) I'm going to get right back to the blogging thing.<br /><br />To help me with that (the blogging, but would it hurt you to pick up a kitty turd or two?)... I was thinking maybe y'all could <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2006/08/working-title-1-what-if-harper-had.html">go</a> <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2006/08/working-title-2-harper-disses-village.html">all</a> <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2006/09/working-title-3-fun-with.html">Aught</a>-<a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2006/09/working-title-4-carrot-cake-ruined-my.html">six</a> and send me some title suggestions for new posts.<br /><br />Do it now, or you'll never see the rest of that $500,000.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-55592260018677387262007-11-28T23:30:00.000-08:002007-12-03T07:36:09.745-08:00Hello, Kitty. We thought you'd like a little truth in advertising<span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 0);font-size:85%;" >Disclaimer: the following presentation is fictional. Any resemblance to actual creatures, re</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 0);font-size:85%;" >al, imagined or chemically induced, or to persons natural or corporate, whether alive, dead, undead, preserved or stunned out of their excited delirium, is completely and utterly unintentional, accidental and otherwise one big</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 0);font-size:85%;" > coinkyidink, and we aren't even smirking or crossing our fingers when we say that. The phrases "Olympic", "Games", "2010", "Winter", "Cold", "Snow", "Snow Bunny", and "Baby Jesus" are, we think, registered trademarks of VANOC. So are, we assume, the phrases "We've Trademarked Everything So You Can't Say Anything", "<a style="color: rgb(102, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;" href="http://creekside1.blogspot.com/2007/11/well-helloooookitty.html" target="blank">Colossal Waste of $$$</a>", and "Why, Yes, $580 Million Would Feed a Lot of Hungry Kids". Until Tuesday, we thought the phrases "Pokemon" and "Hello Kitty" weren't, but now we aren't so sure.</span><br /><br />Right about now, in a crowded auditorium somewhere in Metro Vancouver...<br /><br />Ladies and gentlemen, sporting fans, children of all ages <span style="font-style: italic;">(Mesdames et messeurs, sacs de monnaie, petits consommateurs de tout age)</span>... The 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes<span style="font-size:78%;"><sup>TM</sup></span> commitee is proud to introduce to you <span style="font-style: italic;">(</span><span style="font-style: italic;">Le </span><span style="font-style: italic;"> commité </span><span style="font-style: italic;">des Bonstemps Olymphoque 2009-et-12-mois</span><span><sup><span style="font-size:78%;">WTF</span></sup></span><span style="font-style: italic;"> est fier de vous vendre)</span>...<br /><br />The <span style="font-weight: bold;">2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtime mascots!</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">(Les p'tits cashcows des</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> Bonstemps Olymphoque 2009-et-12-mois, tabernac!)</span><br /><br />These ambassadors of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes tell the real story of British Columbia: political, historical and natural <span style="font-style: italic;">(Ces ambassadeurs des Bonstemps Olymiphoque 2009-et-12-mois representent les vrais contes de fée de la C-B: politique, historique... satirique?)</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Swimming... no, flying...no, swimming his way into the theatre, it's.... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Muta</span>!</div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga0MWyG1617xJYzNGwFDh8wYrIXcS_YbFZoUghul_NWDn2KEgdF0fcEnSEQ6RubAb6IwB98Dvu3aoFNmb_ksYCLiK0ojJZGIaU4Sh5dEa6MpoMyqcUrQgW7ClWzRx-SeeJSO0z/s1600-h/2010+Muta.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga0MWyG1617xJYzNGwFDh8wYrIXcS_YbFZoUghul_NWDn2KEgdF0fcEnSEQ6RubAb6IwB98Dvu3aoFNmb_ksYCLiK0ojJZGIaU4Sh5dEa6MpoMyqcUrQgW7ClWzRx-SeeJSO0z/s200/2010+Muta.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5138371405317514082" border="2" /></a>Muta is a mysterious and wonderful creature, part Orca whale, part seagull. The great force that gives Muta his fantastic form is the Funtimes spirit. That, and a soup of toxic chemicals in the ocean. But soup is good for you, right kids? And that fun baking soda volcano you made in science class -- that's chemistry! Chemicals are like magic, but better, because magic doesn't contribute to the provincial GDP. Well, except for Harry Potter, but we don't own his trademark. Yet.<br /></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div>If you look closely, you will see that Muta is sporting a bit of propeller-shaped a boo-boo, which just shows how much he loves to play tag with cruise ships and speedboats. Toot toot! Watch out, Mr. Oil tanker -- it's that rascal Muta!<br /><br />And from that plastic six-pack ring wrapped around his neck, it looks like Muta had some soda to share -- that's Jazz<span style="font-size:78%;"><sup>TM</sup></span> Soda, the official drink of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes -- but he couldn't resist drinking them all. That's okay, Muta. But how about you swim-fly to WallyMart<span style="font-size:78%;"><sup>TM</sup></span>, the official store of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes, and get us some more? Goooooooo, Muta!!!!<br /><br />And who's this cute little critter whirling her way onto the stage? Why, it's <span style="font-weight: bold;">Suyu</span>!!!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidT9myXrv7fr5qfmGMSNgW2Xk6p70J6WaiVTOtEbUv9MfTNkfhumfzp5EFg8nYB_zBcKavACYUf24klO5LKsathfD65OLgnR63vDIzwcVrMMObX-kXsAJkMwktCcSGtz11f6TR/s1600-h/image+removed.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidT9myXrv7fr5qfmGMSNgW2Xk6p70J6WaiVTOtEbUv9MfTNkfhumfzp5EFg8nYB_zBcKavACYUf24klO5LKsathfD65OLgnR63vDIzwcVrMMObX-kXsAJkMwktCcSGtz11f6TR/s200/image+removed.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5138373131894367090" border="2" /></a>Suyu the crafty coyote represents our province's mischievous first nations. We call them "first nations" because they were the <span style="font-style: italic;">first</span> people European explorers met when they discovered this <span style="font-style: italic;">nation</span>. Suyu likes to tell tall tales, like one called "You stole my land". We call these stories "legends". You will notice that Suyu has a detachable mouth, because sometimes, like say from 1927 to 1951, it's good for her to have a little time-out on the naughty mat for bothering busy grownups, like judges, with her stories. Telling a story to a judge is like tattling to your school principal. Nobody likes a tattle tale, right, kids? Oh, silly Suyu!<br /><br />But as her name suggests, little Suyu keeps on telling her stories, when she could be making treaties. Treaties are like a bag of toys, where everybody shares, and there is enough for everyone. Sharing is good, right kids? In our province, we've made <span style="font-style: italic;">three whole treaties</span>! Three is like a triple-scoop ice cream cone. Silly, silly Suyu! Don't you like ice cream? But we like her anyway, because her hat is pretty and her dancing makes us happy. Hurray for Suyu!!!<br /><br />And last but not least, who's that husky guy thumping his way down the aisle? My goodness, it's... <span style="font-weight: bold;">Squashi</span>!!!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv46I6YE8440mtRG6_TRSTnRS57ZpvpK53dc8RZe6lv9zuJXrpGRZqBbg98CpWMQQFyHUhXNUgUpzTY5wCSAKbnjkHtgRwa4bd_wl3bCyR6PKvV4hMT6hsEAk3uWffeYMCo5jF/s1600-h/Squashi.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv46I6YE8440mtRG6_TRSTnRS57ZpvpK53dc8RZe6lv9zuJXrpGRZqBbg98CpWMQQFyHUhXNUgUpzTY5wCSAKbnjkHtgRwa4bd_wl3bCyR6PKvV4hMT6hsEAk3uWffeYMCo5jF/s200/Squashi.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5138373982297891714" border="2" /></a><br />Squashi the sasquatch is the protector of the Funtimes spirit in BC. From his steel-toed boots to his strong arms, Squashi is there to give a gentle "squash" to any little meanies who would poo-poo our Funtimes. Kids, your parents might remember Squashi as the mascot for the 1997 APEC Summit. The silly meanies were making too much rude noise, so Squashy playfully squirted them with mace, which is sort of like silly string, but with more flavour. So don't make rude noise to wreck everybody's Funtimes, or Squashi might squash you, or wrestle you, or zap you with his handheld Magic Lightning Bolt. Yikes, Squashi -- that tickles!<br /><br />During the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes, you might see Squashi greeting visitors at the Vancouver International Airport.<br /><br />And there they are, kids... your<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span>2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtime mascots!!!<br /><br />If you'd like to give one of these guys a great big </span><span>Olympuck Funtime spirit hug, line up right here beside the stage. Hugs are only $14.99, or three for $40! Major credit cards accepted.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">[Original (and probably trademarked) artwork courtesy of </span><a style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;" href="http://creekside1.blogspot.com/2007/11/well-helloooookitty.html">Alison</a><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">]</span></span><br /></span><span><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">**</span><br /></span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-11200344037258135882007-11-26T19:21:00.000-08:002007-11-26T21:37:19.005-08:00And an analgesic for the puppy<span style="font-style: italic;">[Okay, let's get this out of the way, shall we? Yeah, I've been away for a while. So what? I've been busy trying on sweaters. And, so help me Earthgodmother, if I get so much as one taunt, one snide remark, anything remotely resembling "Welcome back, Once-a-Year Boy!" -- well, I just might cry. 'Nuff said. Onto your (ir)regularly scheduled post...] </span><br /><br /><br />I'm all about analogies. Love 'em. In the political realm, a good analogy can really cut through political doublespeak and put the essence of a policy into perspective. That, and there's "anal" in the word, which sounds sort of naughty.<br /><br />Speaking of which, last week saw some dirty machinations on the part of the Harper Government at the Commonwealth leaders' summit in Kampala. You know the story: Steve-o the torpedo single-handedly deep-sixed a deal on firm GHG reduction targets, refusing to sign unless India and other developing countries were also forced to cut emissions. No point in countries such as Canada committing to reductions, Harper's stated rationale goes, unless all the major emitters do. Talk about ruining a tea party.<br /><br />So here's the analogy that comes to mind...<br /><br />A gang of punks are kicking the doo-doo out of a puppy (The puppy's name doesn't matter, but let's call him "The Capacity of the Earth to Sustain Life as We Know it". 'Fluffy' for short.) In a pang of conscience, one of the punks proposes that they all stop kicking the puppy. Most agree. (After all, it's a nice puppy, and WWE Raw is almost on.)<br /><br />Harper's like the dude who says: "Well, we <span style="font-style: italic;">could </span>stop kicking the puppy, and I'm certainly willing to... but only if the kid with the biggest boots stops first."<br /><br />Only in Canada, you say? Pity.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1167714009453161062007-01-01T20:46:00.000-08:002007-01-01T21:00:09.506-08:00Sorta like a herniaHey, kids. Happy 2007 and all that noise.<br /><br />Just thought I'd break the deafening blog silence to announce... well, that there will be more blog silence. <br /><br />I'm going to take, as they say, a hiatus. And before you make some snide remark about a person having to actually post once in a while in order to have something to take a hiatus <span style="font-style: italic;">from</span>, just -- well, just don't. Unless you are Jack Layton, in which case you probably can't help yourself.<br /><br />I'll be back in a month or two. Five tops. Oh, shit -- I'm back when I'm back.<br /><br />Stay real.<br /><br />Kisses,<br />Hav<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1164613457935124192006-11-26T23:05:00.000-08:002006-11-27T10:22:13.130-08:00Well, not so much staggered as got dragged by a salt truckSometimes the stars align. Or at least the flakes.<br /><br />Here I was, pondering my <a href="http://www.myblahg.com/cba/2006round1.html" target="_blank">13th place showing</a> in round 1 voting at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards. And there it was -- <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/story/2006/11/26/vancouver-snow.html" target="_blank">snow</a>. Right here, in my little Vancouver suburb, heaps and heaps and heaps of snow.<br /><br />And we all know what a guy needs to work out his political future: a long walk in the snow.<br /><br />And so I walked. Well, I got a ride down to the pub, threw back a few, had a couple dozen wings, then wrote my name in the parking lot. Dotted the "i" and everything. Thing of beauty. But I walked home. Staggered, anyway.<br /><br />Point is, I figured a couple of things out. One of those things had to do with foreskin and frostbite, but I'll spare you the uncomfortable details. The second thing I figured out is that I'm not about to give up this fight.<br /><br />Sure, my blog has been "eliminated from future rounds of voting". Yes, I've been "resoundingly rejected by blog readers". Absolutely, I "have no chance of winning within the rules of the competition."<br /><br />But, in the words of Gandhi, anytime somebody reminded him that he was an untouchable -- <span style="font-style: italic;">so fucking what?</span><br /><br />My mission to be voted the Canadian Blog Awards Best Humour Blog of 2006 is bigger than the mere fact that I cannot be voted the Canadian Blog Awards Best Humour Blog of 2006. My dedication to serve as your democratic choice for humour in the blogosphere is not weakened by your decision that you'd rather I didn't. My commitment to this process will not be stymied by its results.<br /><br />And so, I formally announce that my campaign will continue. With this announcement, I am unveiling my first in a series of campaign ads directed at some of the front runners in round two voting, whom I view to be my most serious competition, given that they made it to round two and I didn't.<br /><br />Remember: vote for me in round two... even though you can't.<br /><br /><object width="280" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/R8BTFwg_BjY"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/R8BTFwg_BjY" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="280" height="340"></embed></object><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1164264553284327812006-11-22T22:37:00.000-08:002006-11-22T22:58:26.713-08:00It's too early to commentHavril is meeting with his advisors to consider what <a href="http://www.myblahg.com/cba/2006round1.html" target="_blank">these results</a> mean for his campaign and will issue a formal statement shortly. Havril has some numbers to crunch. Also, he is looking into unconfirmed reports of voter intimidation in Keady, Ontario. It's going to be a long few days.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1164177317320561932006-11-21T22:27:00.000-08:002006-11-22T23:16:22.946-08:00This isn't funnyAnd I'm not talking about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjE0E5lgm9Q" target="_blank">Racist Kramer</a>.<br /><br />What I mean is, can somebody tell me why my blog looks all wonky in Explorer?<br /><br />Shit, I don't even know how long this has been going on. What, were you all just not going to say anything? I suppose I also have B.O. (The zit on my forehead I know about, thanks.)<br /><br />Seriously, can somebody take a boo at my blogger template and tell me what I did to eff it up? I'm a Firefox man myself, but I want to be IE friendly. Well, not hostile.<br /><br />There's a shiny toonie in it for ya.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">UPDATE 10:43 PM</span>: Stand down. Problem solved. In the words of Dubbya, <span style="font-style: italic;">I'm a problem solver</span>.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1163972055708745882006-11-19T13:19:00.000-08:002006-11-21T22:26:46.340-08:00WWRDNo doubt drunk on Saskatoon-berry wine, some <a href="http://www.abandonedstuff.com/" target="_blank">misguided kid</a> nominated this blog -- yes, this blog -- under the "Best Humour Blog" category at the <a href="http://cba.myblahg.com/" target="_blank">2006 Canadian Blog Awards</a>. I've know about this for some time, but declined to mention it out of a sense of modesty. Also, I've been busy with a frame-by-frame analysis of the Screech sex tape. But mainly modesty.<br /><br />I'm glad to be nominated. Honoured. Flattered. And quite possibly aroused. But all is not warm and tingly. See, the nomination has heightened the usual criticism I get from readers. "You really need to post now!" said one commenter. "Look busy!" said another. Then there was "You know, we aren't done just because <span style="font-style: italic;">you</span>'ve had an orgasm!" Er, that last one was probably my wife. But now at least I know she's read my blog at least once.<br /><br />Anyway, I feel compelled to respond to these unfair attacks on my blogging frequency -- to tell the world why I don't post as often as I should, and what I'm going to do about it.<br /><br />At times like these, I look to that wristband I wear, inscribed with those four letters to live by: WWRD. <span style="font-style: italic;">What Would Rona Do</span>? Sure enough, there, in her <a href="http://www.ec.gc.ca/minister/speeches/2006/061115_s_e.htm" target="_blank">forthright and courageous words</a> last week to the UN Climate Change Conference in Nairobi was all the inspiration I needed...<br /><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 0, 0);font-family:courier new;font-size:100%;" ><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></span><span style="font-size:85%;">Webcast Address to Canadian Blog Awards voters<br />November 19, 2006<br />Speech delivered by Havril<br />-------------------------------------------<br />Mr. Myblahg, distinguished nominees, honoured readers, that guy who accidentally got here looking for pics of Scarlett Johansson's boobs.<br /><br />Havril is proud to be here at the Canadian Blog Awards as a friend, a partner and an ally to further our international efforts to address the Humour Deficit.<br /><br />We have come together to demonstrate to the Blogosphere that an effective global response to the Humour Deficit is needed, and that it is possible - to offer hope instead of fear, and to be constructive in the face of institutional challenges, chief among them the fact that Havril can't afford a TiVo.<br /><br /><a aiotitle="click to expand" href="javascript:togglecomments('Speech2')">EFFECTIVE ACTION</a><br /><div class="commenthidden" id="Speech2"><br /><br />Anyway, we are here to share our challenges, our successes and our hopes for the future. I am pleased to share with you Havril's challenges, his successes and his hopes. And, with any luck, a lapdance. Er, sorry - that's from my address to the Canadian Adult Video Awards. Um, excuse me while I sit for the rest of this speech.<br /><br />When New Havril assumed control of Insert Something Clever a year ago he found an unacceptable situation. He found that measures to address the Humour Deficit by previous Havrils were insufficient and unaccountable. In short, previous Havrils were incompetent assholes. And Criminals. Did I mention they were criminals?<br /><br />Weeks after promising Mrs. Scout from Harper-Valley that he would post more often - and let's pretend for the purposes of this stupid speech that he posts while wearing a robe - Havril still had not implemented a domestic plan to address the Humour Deficit. And the result is that Havril is 35% below his - wait for it, wait for it - Kimono target. [Allow for applause, curtsey]<br /><br />Havril recognized that it was time to face up to his challenges in the most Havrilian way: to be forthright with his readers (all four of them) and his international partners (i.e. that Cuban chambermaid he hooked up with in Varadero) about the results of his previous efforts, and to be realistic on the progress he could make by 2012.<br /><br />As an aside, we measure these things with reference to 2012 for one reason: Because Nostradamus has predicted the start of World War 3 in 2011. A longstanding principle of good public policy, and the mob, is that it's easy to be accountable to others when those others are dead.<br /><br />Anyhoo, as with any bold recognition of the truth, Havril's was met by resistance. But it was the right thing to do. Havril will not deny the obvious, nor disrespect his blogging obligations by paying them mere lip service with no substance. However, speaking of respect, he will deny ever having paid for lip service, substantive or otherwise. That woman was a certified massage therapist, and those pictures were clearly photoshopped.<br /><br />Havril will confront the reality of previous Havrils' inaction. Indeed, Havril has chosen real progress over delay - and transparency [point to mesh tank top, pause while audience oggles man nipples] over rhetoric. Havril is taking responsibility, embarking on pragmatic solutions and finally beginning the process of putting his own house in order. No, literally - this place is a mess. See, the wife was out of town, and a few buddies came over with a two-four. Havril isn't sure who got the pizza sauce on the ceiling. Might have been the registered massage therapists.<br /><br />This is where Havril's challenges have turned into successes. He recognized that leadership and real action were required. And under the leadership of, well, Havril, this morning Havril introduced Havril's Computer Time Plan; the first ever policy by Havril to take a coordinated approach on increasing Havril's computer-related activity - checking his hockey pool more often, keeping better 'abreast' of the latest celebrity nipple slips, emailing more fart-related science questions to Quirks & Quarks. Oh, and blogging more. If he has time.<br /><br />Havril recognized that the voluntary approaches of the past were not sufficient and that it was time for those sons-of-bitches who never help Havril out, to become a larger part of the solution. As such, this New Havril is the first Havril to move his family, friends and colleagues from voluntary measures to mandatory assistance, also known as 'blackmail'. A coworker won't volunteer to work late so Havril can go home early to blog? His fiancee gets an email attaching those pics of said co-worker getting his freak on in the alley behind the Number 5 Orange. See how this works?<br /><br />His plan recognizes the importance of a long-term commitment to increasing blogging. He will continue to take into account the well-researched advice from credible sources such as Wikipedia and will work to increase Havril's absolute blogging output by up to 65 per cent by 2050. Or 2075 at the latest. With this timeline, Havril will be more accountable to more dead people than ever before.<br /><br />But Havril's plan also recognizes the need for urgent action so that he can finally make progress towards his 2012 obligations, whatever the fuck they were. Early in the New Year, Havril will finally have short term targets and timelines for the implementation of, er, short term targets and timelines. Um, did I mention that the last bunch of guys were crooks?<br /><br />Recognizing the role for non-regulated entities, such as his noisy-ass neighbours, to take on voluntary targets and receive credit for the contributions they are making, Havril is working with several of his drinking buddies, who happen to belong to certain motorcycle enthusiast clubs, to develop a system for opt-ins and offsets - whereby, if the neighbours 'opt' to turn down their shit music so Havril can work on his blog, nobody will 'set' said neighbours' garage on fire. Only a plan that seeks to include everyone will deliver the results Havril needs to make a difference.<br /><br />Havril's plan recognizes the Havrilian context: his lack of blogging comes primarily from two places - procrastination and energy. To combat procrastination, Havril has invested 1.3, um, tens of dollars in one of those Habits of Effective People books. Well, he plans to. As for energy, he is finding innovative ways to utilize higher caffeine levels without the inconvenience of heart palpatations.<br /><br />Havril's plan recognizes that citizens must be a part of the solution. If blog consumers do not take individual responsibility for their actions and make more Havril-friendly choices, the blogging of Havril will be in vain. To support his new blog assistance regulations, Havril this afternoon committed 20 dollars towards consumer education programs. Untraceable flea-market typewriter: $12. Stamps and envelopes: $8. The buzz generated by a mass mailing of "Read my blog or your grey Tabby meets my Silver Tahoe" letters: priceless.<br /><br />There are some who are using the Kimono Protocol to create divisions within Havril, but Havril will not let that happen. Havril has one target and we -- er, I, er, he - all share the responsibility to work together to fulfill his obligations. And to develop rock hard abs. And to make a million dollars. Oh, and to learn to juggle. Focus is key.<br /><br />It is Havril's belief that Havril must strive to create a blog that is compatible with other blogs and leads to the inclusion of Ottawonk - a blog Havril will not criticize, isolate and exclude because it must be part of the solution. Havril will continue to engage our neighbour and encourage them to take on a stronger role within the Blogging Community. And to use upper-case letters once in a while.<br /><br />As you can see, Havril has begun to work through his challenges. He can now share some of his progress and he looks forward to his successes. It is through your continued support that Havril will be able to provide hope to unmotivated slackers everywhere and proof to the Blogosphere that Havril is finally on track to make a difference on this important issue. Which, as I recall, was juggling.<br /><br />Havril's hope is that other bloggers can learn from the challenges Havril is overcoming. Havril's hope is that we truly find an inclusive approach as we move forward. That we include, and support and encourage, instead of exclude, isolate and criticize. And no noogies. Purple nurples, however, are motivational and oddly arousing. But I digress.<br /><br />To those of you who might question Havril's resolve to stand together on this urgent issue, let there be no doubt. Except for as to how one person can stand together with himself - but for the purposes of this speech, let's let that one slide. Remember, no criticism.<br /><br />Havril remains strongly committed to the Myblahg process. Havril remains strongly committed to Kimono and driven by a principled obligation for comfort and elegance in Asian lounging attire. And he looks forward to making a significant contribution to the global efforts to fight the Humour Deficit. And to blogging more, if he has time.<br /><br />Havril wants to thank his delegation for their outstanding professionalism and dedication to this cause. He was glad to have met you on the bus ride over here. Sorry those Grey Cup tickets didn't pan out, but this was fun, right?<br /><br /><a aiotitle="click to expand" href="javascript:togglecomments('Speech3')">CONCLUSION</a><br /><div class="commenthidden" id="Speech3"><br /><br />As we gather here, we are as blog writers obligated to take stock of the challenges facing us, through article 3.9, article 9, and article 99 - the so-called "Wayne Gretzky" clause, which states that if you used to be a superstar, you can coach a hockey team into the ground and nobody will question you. But that's probably not relevant here.<br /><br />As we do this, we must ask ourselves "what has worked?" and "what has not worked?" More importantly, we must ask ourselves "why work at all?" The answer is clear: because lap dances aren't free. Um, wrong speech again.<br /><br />There are some who fear that by admitting certain things are not working Havril is in effect abandoning Kimono. On the contrary, Havril would challenge each of us to recognize that we are abandoning our blogging obligations if we do not acknowledge that we must make improvements. Havril would further challenge each of us to not think too much about that logic. To that end, Havril's delegation will be handing out copies of the Screech sex tape as a diversionary tactic.<br /><br />Our debate needs to be one of constructive dialogue - centered on real policy discussions, not cynicism and political expediency. Or noogies.<br /><br />Ultimately Havril will not achieve success by denying the shortcomings of his past approach. Rather, success lies in an open, honest and constructive assessment of where Havril stands today, and a determined effort to identify how he can hack into the the blogs of funnier, more prolific nominees and replace their posts with erotic fiction about Myron Thompson and parliamentary pages in the Peace Tower.<br /><br />In Havril's world, the Humour Deficit is the subject of vigorous debate as it is throughout the Blogosphere. In his social circle, he seeks open and constructive dialogue (subject to the "no criticism" policy outlined earlier) and welcomes every overture of collaboration. Well, not so much collaboration as motivation. Well, not so much motivation as unsolicited emails attaching pictures of female readers in various states of undress.<br /><br />Havril offers the same in the blogging community. Naked pictures to follow.<br /><br />Thank you.</div></div><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:courier new;font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com32tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1161473797661119302006-10-21T16:31:00.000-07:002006-10-22T17:53:54.086-07:00ArfThis whole dog and Petey show is childish and silly, hardly the type of thing I would normally discuss on this blog. My readers come here for reasoned discourse on the great issues of the day -- nuclear proliferation, AIDS research. Er... <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2006/10/boom-goes-dynamite.html" target="_blank">brussel sprout farts</a>?<br /><br />Right. So, this "dog" thing. In case you missed it -- say, because you were at work or having really loud sex during Thursday's question period (or, in my case, both) -- the barely audible details are <a href="http://news.google.ca/nwshp?hl=en&gl=ca&ncl=http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer%3Fpagename%3Dthestar/Layout/Article_Type1%26c%3DArticle%26cid%3D1161467439316%26call_pageid%3D968332188492" target="_blank">like, here, somewhere</a>.<br /><br />In the wake of the incident, observers have opined on what it says about Peter MacKay's attitude towards women, and, more generally, what it says about the barriers faced by women in Canadian politics and our society at large.<br /><br />I, for one, have nothing to say about any of that -- mainly because such talk invariably leads to somebody mentioning the term "glass ceiling", to which I can never help but smart-assedly respond, "Um, I think the word is <span style="font-style: italic;">skylight</span>," which on more than one occasion has put me on the business end of a size 8 ladies' shoe (oddly, never with a high-heel). Also, somebody usually mentions the dehumanizing effect of porn, and my 'Yes, I <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> part of the problem' t-shirt isn't in from the printers.<br /><br />But I do have a thing or two to say about how 'wagger-gate' reflects on Peter MacKay's <span style="font-style: italic;">credibility</span>. Quite simply, it reminds us that he has none.<br /><br />Now, I don't fault Minister P-Mac for denying he made the remark. Sure, compared with Trudeau's famously coy "fuddle duddle" explanation or Bill Clinton's "depends what your definition of 'is' is" semantic gymnastics, MacKay's reliance on the technicality that his impugned words didn't make it onto Hansard lacked a certain creative flair.<br /><br />But it's not an entirely reprehensible position to take. The procedural fiction that if it isn't on the official record it didn't happen is a longstanding tradition central to the proper functioning of Parliament. And it goes further than you might think. You can actually murder somebody on the floor of the Commons, and if they don't refer to it in Hansard, you walk. Well, you have to take care of some witnesses -- that sign interpreter bitch up in the corner of the screen sees everything.<br /><br />The tradition is akin to other universally accepted "deemed truths" that maintain social order in our everyday lives -- such as the legal presumption of innocence, "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" or "the one who smelled it dealt it". Some others, I have learned, like "cybersex isn't really cheating", have yet to gain such status. (And, Honey, if you are reading, I totally thought nubian_queen1983 was you.)<br /><br />But, parliamentary fiction notwithstanding, let's pretend the words <span style="font-style: italic;">were</span> uttered. And while we're pretending, maybe you could aim your webcam just a little lower...<br /><br />Er, where was I? Right. The comment. Credibility, lack of. To imply that Belinda Stronach is a dog is way beyond incorrect. It is completely and utterly (dare I say doggone?) unsupportable. Ms. Stronach is certainly no dog. A <span style="font-style: italic;">fox</span>, perhaps, but no dog.<br /><br />(And I know I shouldn't even go there, not having my t-shirt and all. But I don't think it's necessarily inappropriate to comment on the physical appearance of politicians, male or female. Why, Paul Martin himself used to muse publicly that his male pattern baldness gave him the look of a Benedictine monk. And didn't we all have fun taking a poke at Steve Harper's paunch last summer? But, of course, such superficial commentary should never overshadow a politician's stand on the issues. How a politician looks is a legitimate topic only as a passing matter of human interest. It should not be dwelled upon.)<br /><br />(...Okay, not to dwell on it, but I've never thought that Belinda was really <span style="font-style: italic;">all</span> that, despite media gushing/throbbing to the contrary. She's alright -- no <a href="http://www.riksdagen.se/webbnav/index.aspx?nid=1111&iid=0476336341120" target="_blank">Anna Bergkvist, member of the Swedish Riksdag</a>, but alright. And in the interest of balance, I should say that Peter MacKay's physical attractiveness has <span style="font-style: italic;">also</span> been a tad overblown by an Ottawa press corps who, after decades of Joe jowls and McCallum muss, are a little too hungry for hunkiness on the Hill. In my astute but non-gay assessment, Petey fixes up nice enough, but he's no <a href="http://www.stortinget.no/english/biography/JF.shtml" target="_blank">Jan-Henrik Fredriksen of the Norwegian Storting</a>.)<br /><br />Yeah, so, anyway, Peter's comment was patently unreasonable. What's more, it's a complete flip-flop from his previous position on the issue. Recall that when a freshly-dumped Peter was off to mope for the cameras in a potato patch back home, he told reporters he was looking forward to spending time with his dog because "dogs are loyal". The obvious implication: Belinda is not loyal. The logical extension (which Peter ought to know, since, as a lawyer, he must have passed the LSAT): Belinda is <span style="font-style: italic;">not a dog</span>. But having taken the LSAT, Peter must also know that if Belinda is wearing glasses, and the girl sitting behind her, who is not Sally, has pigtails, then Peter is wearing a green t-shirt. Which may not be relevant here.<br /><br />My point is, you can't have it both ways, Peter. <a href="http://www.davidorchard.com/online/campaign-2003/orchard-mckay.html" target="_blank">Well, sometimes you can</a>. But not this time.<br /><br />So, Honourable Minister, I call on you to apologize -- not just for insulting Belinda and demeaning women in general, which would be a start, but more importantly for being, well... a bit of a weasel.<br /><br />Or don't. Either way, Tie Domi is still going to kick your ass.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1160531976168350362006-10-10T06:57:00.000-07:002006-10-11T09:04:17.876-07:00Boom goes the dynamiteI refer, of course, to North Korea's recent explosive admission into Club Nuke, and not -- as my wife, our neighbours, or our local haz-mat squad might have guessed -- to the equally explosive effect brussel sprouts have on my colon. Though, if you asked any of them, the latter is probably the more pressing threat to global security. And I tend to agree.<br /><br />Saturday's detonation doesn't mean North Korea has the bomb. It only means North Korea <span style="font-style: italic;">had</span> the bomb.<br /><br />These babies are notoriously expensive to construct. A tonne of enriched uranium on the black market will put a guy back more than the equivalent of a month's rent in Fort McMurray. Okay, maybe not that much, but a lot. And all those little yellow radioactive triangle stickers you are supposed to put on a nuclear bomb aren't cheap, either. Mind you, in a pinch, you could get by with some <span style="font-style: italic;">pink</span> triangle stickers, with the added advantage that you could recoup costs by renting the weapon out for use as a Pride Day float. But Jong-Il probably didn't think of that. Evil genius, my ass.<br /><br />So here's what I'm thinking: Kooky Kimmy, crazy mofo that he is, blew the People's Democratic wad on just the <span style="font-style: italic;">one</span> functioning melt-o-matic. That one is gone, and he can't afford to build another one any time soon. I mean, shit, think of the balance on his RadioShack credit card alone. So any other nukes he might parade out for the cameras in the months to come are just duds. Old movie props from <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.disneypix.com/Studios/Mickey/2000a/MA0700-03.htm" target="_blank">Armageddon</a>. Surplus <a href="http://www.sweds.com/catalog/images/catalog/product_Dildo1.jpg" target="_blank">sex toys</a>.<br /><br />Now, do I want to go all Dirty Harry on this guy and call his bluff? You know, send in the troops and see how many caps he has left in the chamber? Well do I... punk?<br /><br />Er, no. And don't call me punk.<br /><br />It's too risky. I mean, I <span style="font-style: italic;">could</span> be wrong on the lone nuke theory. It's bound to happen one of these times. And if I am, and if these nutters have two or ten of them, the consequences would be catastrophic. Sure, a couple of years of nuclear winter would put a dent in global warming and create new market for that warehouse of three-armed factory reject parkas I bought on eBay. But if North Korea nukes South Korea, then the US nukes North Korea, millions of innocent people will die (or, if I recall correctly from the made-for-TV movie <span style="font-style: italic;">The Day After</span>, sparkle momentarily and disappear.)<br /><br />Which, either way, is bound to fuck with the global supply of kimchi pancakes. Now, I'm not equating the two in terms of tragedy -- I'm just making the point that there is a ripple effect to these things that nobody ever talks about. And that kimchi pancakes are very tasty.<br /><br />So, no, I don't want to see the Americans or anybody else to go in there guns a-blazing. (Anyway, as this <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeddDRSDP2c" target="_blank">top secret intelligence video</a> demonstrates, guns-a-blazing is no match for fists a-taekwondoing.)<br /><br />No, I'm just saying that Kim Jong-Il's little firecracker display doesn't necessarily mean that the world is any closer to nuclear annihilation. So we should all chill a bit and not do anything rash -- like build a fallout shelter, find religion, or pick Eric Lindros in a hockey pool.<br /><br />Yeah, so I guess I'm just I'm saying we shouldn't all crap our collective pants over this nukes in North Korea thing. Brussel sprouts, however, are another matter.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1157745557000997812006-09-14T09:52:00.000-07:002006-09-14T12:16:36.763-07:00Working Title 4: Carrot Cake Ruined My LifeWell, not really. But the mental images <a href="http://thetrack.bostonherald.com/moreTrack/view.bg?articleid=157389" target="_blank">this</a> conjured up ruined my breakfast. Well, not so much 'ruined' as 'brought back up in vomitous form'. Is it possible to have the willies <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> the heebie-jeebies at the same time?<br /><br />And, by the way, Carrot <span style="font-style: italic;">Top</span> ruined my life. Hate that guy. Something about the eybrows.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1157139663324173532006-09-02T03:06:00.000-07:002006-09-12T09:56:24.870-07:00Working Title 3: Fun with DimethylsulphoxideThanks for the title, <a href="http://www.graduateschoolbarbie.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Procrastinatrix</a>. When I first read your suggestion, I had no idea what you were talking about. Dimethylsuphoxide. Never heard of it. Then it hit me: ohhhhh... she means <span style="font-style: italic;">Dimethylsu<span style="font-weight: bold;">l</span>phoxide</span>. Learn to type, girl.<br /><br />Now, as any moron knows, Dimethylsulphoxide is a dipolar aprotic solvent that permeates cellular and vascular membranes. <span style="font-style: italic;">Duh</span>. Which made me wonder whether this title suggestion was your way to get me to talk about Fawzia A. Fahim's research into the antitumor activities of Iodoacetate and Dimethylsulphoxide against solid ehrlich carcinoma growth in mice. Please, as if that topic hasn't been blogged to death.<br /><br />But these thoughts of morons and chemical solvents reminded me of another story: "<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/toronto/story/2006/09/01/black-money.html" target="_blank">Residents duped in blackened money scam</a>."<br /><br />With the exception of <span style="font-style: italic;">truly</span> vulnerable members of society -- the elderly, the mentally challenged, me in the presence of a True Confections chocolate-banana cream pie -- anybody who falls for a scam that lame <span style="font-style: italic;">deserves</span> to wave buh-bye to a whole lot of coin (and a kidney or two for good measure). Call it a cost of being stupid.<br /><br />Or call it financial Darwinism. When doofus hands 50 g's to a couple of guys with a sedan full of sooty monopoly money and a flat of club soda, the said doofus, to the extent of his payout, has removed himself from the economy. Which is good for us all. Cash that in his idle hands would have been wasted on a copy of <span style="font-style: italic;">Toilet Training your Cat for Dummies</span> or an apartment full of 'As Seen on TV' crap (And by 'crap', I mean stuff <span style="font-style: italic;">other</span> than RonCo Spray-on Hair, which is a fine product. Gave me the pubes of 20 year old, swear to god) will now be invested into the real engines of GDP -- like meth labs and human smuggling rings.<br /><br />Which reminded me of this other headline: <a href="http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060823/grit_leadership_060823/20060823?hub=Canada" target="_blank">Money woes could affect Liberal convention</a>. Er, the Darwinism, not the scamming.<br /><br />Rae under half a million. Ignatieff under $400,000. Volpe at $340,000. (And half of that was in arcade tokens.) Darwinism: If you don't have the ability to adapt to your environment -- in this case, Chretien's campaign finance reforms (Jean's <span style="font-style: italic;">other</span> exploding-cigar gift to would-be successors) -- you risk being removed from the political gene pool. Which leaves Stephen Harper <span style="font-style: italic;">in</span> the pool at 24 Sussex... where he and Laureen are <a href="http://www.topicalpostcards.com/Postcard%20History/Bathing/swimming%20lesson.jpg" target="_blank">probably lounging right now</a>.<br /><br />I mean, in Vancouver's Shaughnessy neighbourhood, the average six year old with a lemonade stand grosses $500,000 a summer, and that's <span style="font-style: italic;">with</span> time off for polo lessons. Is Canada's natural governing party so devoid of new ideas and money smarts that not one of its supposed best and brightest can figure out how to generate a measly mil in contributions?<br /><br />If I may be so bold, kids, a few fundraising suggestions...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Martha Hall Findlay Trivia Challenge</span>: Contestants make a modest donation to compete for valuable prizes by answering questions about Martha, such as: "Hall-Findlay -- hyphen or no hyphen?" and the grand-prize stumper... "Who the fuck <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> she, anyway?"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Kick Bob Rae in his Piano-Playing Tax-and-Spend Ass for a Toonie booth</span>: Self-explanatory. Open only to residents of Ontario from 1990-95. For an extra buck, you can kick him in the ass <span style="font-style: italic;">while</span> he plays piano.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Iggy's Dungeon of permissible Duress</span>: Contributors pay by the hour to enact scenarios from Michael Ignatieff's book, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Lesser Evil</span>... on Michael Ignatieff! Put Iggy in an isolation hood. Subject him to disorienting noise (Drowning Pool's "<a href="http://mfile3.akamai.com/14123/wm2/muze.download.akamai.com/2890/us/uswm2/_%21/442/415442_1_02.asx?auth=daEdcchc5aFcKb5aCc4dZaqcJc6a6aLdmbm-be.C2Q-Ci-cfhdj&aifp=1234&obj=v40322" target="_blank">Bodies</a>" perhaps). Stress him out with misinformation: "Iggy, we have footage of you waxing your unibrow!" When you're done with him, for an extra $10 you can go home with a commemorative 'torture warrant'.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gerard and a Hair Rub, Two Bits:</span> Tousle Kennedy's boyish mop for a quarter. 'Cause you know you want to. Noogies extra.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Deke out Dryden</span>: Ken's back between the pipes for a little breakaway action. Bucket of pucks for 10 bucks. As an added bonus, he'll drone on for hours about early childhood education if you manage to sneak a shot through the 5 hole. Or even if you don't.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Dion chante Dion</span>: A $20 contribution gets you this 5-track album featuring Stephane covering Celine's biggest hits, but with politically-tweaked lyrics. Hear the inspiring, albeit awkward, 'Love Can Move Mountains (But Only Extensive Environmental Review Can Mitigate Against Damage to the Alpine Ecosystem)' and 'Beauty <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> the Beast' -- a tender ballad in honour of his dog Kyoto and all the animals on Schedule 1 of the <span style="font-style: italic;">Species at Risk Act</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Carolyn's Cabaret:</span> $100 to the Bennett campaign will get you a ticket to this vaudevillian one-woman act. See Carolyn do celebrity impressions. Well, she does just one -- a circa-<span style="font-style: italic;">On Golden Pond</span> Katherine Hepburn... on speed. But it's really good, and she never stops.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Joe Volpe:</span> No gimmicks required. School's back in session on Tuesday, and Unca Joe's got some goons on playground patrol. Lunch money should be pouring in by Friday.<br /><br />Yeah, so hope that helps. But I gotta run. This chap from the Ivory Coast emailed me about an unclaimed US $5 million hidden by the former President of Tanzania, and let's just say I stand to get a huge cut. I'm off to the bank to wire him some money for expenses right now. And there you sit at your day-jobs. Morons!<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1156625824863728592006-08-28T13:56:00.000-07:002006-08-28T16:56:56.396-07:00Working Title 2: Harper disses Village People! In Tuktoyuktuk!As was an all-too-common occurrence back when I haunted a certain institution of higher learning, this morning I awoke to the sober light of Monday and regretted something I had done over the weekend.<br /><br />Er, not <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span>. What, does everybody know about <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span>? 'Discretion assured', my ass! No, I mean my <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com/2006/08/working-title-1-what-if-harper-had.html">last post</a>. Harper should have attended the World Aids Conference, I said. What was I smoking?<br /><br />I mean, what would I have Stevie actually <span style="font-style: italic;">do</span> at the Conference, exactly? He shows face, face gives speech, face gets booed. Then what -- is he supposed to hang out with the other big-profile attendees? How embarrassing would <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> be?<br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">[Harper, scouring the hors d'oeuvre table for something not containing spelt. Up walks Bill Gates...]</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Gates: "Mr. Prime Minister. Let me say that your Government's commitment to an additional $10 million over 5 years for AIDS research will nicely compliment the $967 trillion Melinda and I are giving. This month."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Harper: "Yes, well, Laureen and I are also very generous with these sorts of matters. Why, just the other day we gave a loonie to a street performer. He was a </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">mime</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">, if you catch my drift..."<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">[Up saunters former US President Bill Clinton, chicken satay skewer in hand]: "Mr. Gates, Mr. Prime Minister."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Harper: "Hello, Mr. Pres -- er, is it okay if I don't call you that? That's what George lets me call him, and, well, it would just feel wrong."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Clinton: "Um, 'Bill' is fine. Hey, it was really great of you to show up. I mean, I know you're a little uncomfortable with..."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Harper: "-- I </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">also</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> got a stain on a dress once, you know. Mustard. Laureen and I were at this Reform Party wiener roast and..."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Clinton: "Er, that's nice. Excuse me, I told Stephen Lewis I'd take him to the Cannonball, so..."<br /><br /></span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Harper [to Gates]: "Guess that just leaves us geeks, </span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">other</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"> Bill. You know, speaking of money, I was thinking your company might want in on the oil action in Northern Alberta. Lot of pipelines up there, and I just heard the other day that this inter-web of yours is a series of tubes..."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Gates [looks at watch, feigns surprise]: "Wow! Is it 4:00 already? I have to get to Price Club before it closes. Melinda goes through Alphagetti's by the case."</span> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><br /><br />Harper [to back of Gates' head]: "Yeah, so, I'll have Emerson call you about that tube thing, then... Bill? Bill? Now, where were those Chicken Satays?"</span><br /><br />Yeah, so it was maybe a good thing that he skipped out on the conference and -- what was he doing instead? Right. Kicking it in <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/story/canada/national/2006/08/13/harper-north.html">Nunavut</a>. Asserting Canadian sovereignty over the Arctic by his mere Harperian presence. Shit, he really <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> a beacon. (And, as evidenced above, a damn good ice-breaker.)<br /><br />Which is a good thing. I'm all for Stevie pounding the permafrost, licking the lichens, mushing the dog. In fact, I'd have his government do even more on the Arctic sovereignty file: An armada of ice breakers. Annual Prime Ministerial visits with the sole purpose of letting Stevie urinate directly on the north pole. (There is an actual pole there, right? Could be metal. Best just aim from the deck of the ship.)<br /><br />It's about symbolism. It's about showing that, now matter how uncomfortable it is for the PM to spend a few hours in a chilly, hostile environment, hey, he's going to do it, because this is important to Canada and the World. Um, which is completely different from the AIDS Conference thing. Somehow. Trust me.<br /><br />And, apparently, it's all about timing. Stevie's participation in 'Operation No Go Yellow Snow' could not wait. Not one single day. As the Prime Minister himself said, when it comes to the international community recognizing Canada's sovereignty, it's a matter of <span style="font-style: italic;">use it or lose it</span>.<br /><br />Um, which is completely different from Canada's moral authority to speak on issues of international importance. Somehow. Trust me.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1156625785280437912006-08-26T22:56:00.000-07:002006-08-28T06:23:30.030-07:00Working title 1: What if Harper had AIDS?Thanks for the title, Boo. I suppose this is your way to get me to talk about the World AIDS conference that was held in Toronto earlier this month, which our PM avoided like the -- well, you know. Okay, Boo, I'll bite.<br /><br />What if Harper had AIDS? I'll tell you what: Life as we know it would end. Gravity would reverse, and every molecule in the bodies of you, anyone named Madison, and three out of four dentists, would fly apart at eight times the speed of light. Chickens would talk with Estonian accents. Lou Reed would have a beautiful singing voice.<br /><br />I mean, the very idea is just <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> preposterous. As any common-sense, god-fearing Canadian knows (and I mean really knows, like the way you know the world is 5,000 years old), Stephen Harper does <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> engage in any of the immoral practices that cause AIDS. You know the ones I'm talking about. Homosexuality. Shooting up. Or the ultimate perversion: <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">hemophilia</span></span></span>. Mr. Harper has always made the right life choices for an AIDS-free existence. Why, even as a zygote (a <span style="font-style: italic;">living</span>, <span style="font-style: italic;">sentient</span> zygote, albeit one with a bad haircut), Stephen had the good sense to not be born in Sub-Sarahan Africa to a mother with HIV. Talk about a leader with foresight.<br /><br />All of which, to address the subtext of our title, is exactly why Stephen Harper <span style="font-style: italic;">should</span> have been at the World AIDS Conference. Quite simply, Stephen Harper <span style="font-style: italic;">is </span>the antidote to AIDS.<br /><br />He wouldn't have to say a word. His very presence -- his mere uber-straight, ultra-sober, terrifically non-transfused (and not to mention, impeccably geo-maternally planned) existence -- would have stood as a beacon of non-infectiousness and immuno<span style="font-style: italic;">sufficiency </span>to the world. By just being there, Stephen Harper would have reminded us all that the key to stopping AIDS lies in stopping the lewd, opitated, easy-bleeding debauchery -- or, alternatively, the ill-advised choice of birth mothers -- that got the world's 38 million or so AIDS 'victims' into the mess they are in. (Or <span style="font-style: italic;">were</span> in. Like, before they died. Whatever.)<br /><br />Forget drug cocktails. You want to halt the spread of HIV/AIDS? Bottle Stephen Harper.<br /><br />That's right -- take his Right Honourable ass on a world tour: India, Africa, and, er... some other places where people have HIV/AIDS. (It's not like he needs to actually know. He does have <span style="font-style: italic;">aides</span>, people.) Anyway, have him walk among the infected, not unlike a modern-day Jesus. (But, for his comfort, lose the robe and sandals and give him a biohazard suit. Hey, Christ would have worn gloves in the leper colony if latex had been invented.) And let Stephen Harper just be Stephen Harper.<br /><br />And lo, his innate anti-AIDSness (to coin a clever phrase. Yeah, it's a gift) will stem the tide of this global epidemic of sin and stupidity and set the stage for a Harperian tomorrow, a glorious age where nobody has AIDS and all the world's people live, disease free... long enough to be killed by global warming or an invading American army under Jeb Bush.<br /><br />And, at the very least, the sick will be momentarily distracted from their plight by the sight of his khaki safari vest. Yes, worn <span style="font-style: italic;">over</span> the biohazard suit.<br /><br />Upcoming post: <span style="font-style: italic;">What if Harper had style?</span><br /><div style="text-align: right;"><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1156625762295221222006-08-26T22:00:00.000-07:002006-08-26T22:49:42.093-07:00Here goes nuthin'Or that's what has gone here for the past fiscal quarter, give or take. But, me thinks, no more. Thanks for all the um, interesting suggestions for post titles. Think I'll use a few.<br /><br />In fact, know what? Let's make it a 'thing'. I had this great idea to categorize my posts by race, but Mark Burnett beat me to it, so this will have to do.<br /><br />From now until I'm done with it, I give you Havril's "Working Title" series of posts. My shit, your title.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"> <span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1155909288023739452006-08-18T06:45:00.000-07:002006-08-18T06:56:55.233-07:00Okay...New posts coming next week. But I'm going to need a bit of help priming the pump. Titles. I need about five kickass post titles to get going. So gimme. Pretend it's a contest. Pretend you're a fluffer. Pretend you care.<br /><br />Oh, and no swears -- Jesus is reading.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1154681177758076512006-08-04T01:28:00.000-07:002006-08-04T15:02:49.790-07:00I also caught up on my infomercial watchingIf you thought that three nights of insomnia might produce a decent post or two... you <a href="http://www.grapheine.com/classiktv/classiktv_play.php?id=30679">thought</a> <a href="http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1513746">wrong</a>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Update:</span> Somebody call my HBMA sponsor. I'm definitely off the <a href="http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1516037">wagon</a> <a href="http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=1515969">again</a>. God grant me the serenity...<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1152733374226059852006-07-17T12:32:00.000-07:002006-07-17T16:27:08.053-07:00Deja doo-dooAs in crap you've seen before. As in, me, instead of a real post, giving you utter shite like...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Seven reasons why I haven't posted in a while</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7.</span> Studies show <a href="http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060712/statscan_commuting_060712/20060712?hub=TopStories">the average worker spends twelve days per year commuting</a>. To get them out of the way, this year I'm doing all of mine in one shot.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6.</span> I had been working on this 10,000-plus word post entitled "Oprah is Gay". Until <a href="http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060717/oprah_gayle_060717/20060717?hub=TopStories">today</a>. Guess it's back to work on "Confessions of a Billionaire Transsexual: the Wilma Gates Story".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5.</span> That space shuttle wasn't going to land itself, you know.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4.</span> Blogging hardly seems a priorty right now, what with Hearst on the warpath after spending a night in jail next to the corpse of the Cornishman whose murder Utter implied Hearst ordered, Trixie pondering a return whoring at the Gem, Dan still reeling from having watched the life drain out Turner's eyes (well, the one eye Dan didn't tear from its socket), and Swearengen contemplating sending Dan to Cheyenne to see to the hiring of some guns.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3.</span> I had this <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/edmonton/story/2006/07/11/bc-boo-bear.html">bear</a> in my house for like three weeks. Swear to god.<br /><br /><span class="mainarttxt"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">2.</span> The "all over" sunburn at I got at Wreck Beach a couple of weeks back has made typing quite painful. You see, I don't use my fingers.<span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"></span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">And the number one reason why I haven't posted in a while....</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1.</span> Ottawa's plan to evacuate Canadian citizens from Lebanon: me, in a dinghy.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1151603667735675912006-06-29T10:45:00.000-07:002006-07-01T11:02:48.870-07:00If I had a rocket launcher...<a href="http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2006/06/28/bc-gun-amnesty.html">I'd put it in my attic for, like, 30 years</a>.<br /><br />She was relieved to get it out of the house. No shit. This thing was a danger. A lurking menace. Maybe a national security incident waiting to happen.<br /><br />Imagine. Poor old gal forgets she has it. Then one day she's going through a box of old knitting supplies. Some yarn gets wrapped around something. She tugs. Hsssssst... Swooosh. Silence. Distant boom. Horrified, granny doesn't report it. Nor does she come clean when the police, having tracked the trajectory back to her street, come to ask questions about a downed Airbus A340. They leave, satisfied the old dear knows nothing. And she goes about her life. Sweaters are knitted. A skylight is installed.<br /><br />...But life would never be the same for those five young Muslim chaps who were renting the house next door.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span> </div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1151000860607617652006-06-22T12:07:00.000-07:002006-06-28T21:02:52.070-07:00And our pepper spray is from Moose JawAs reported <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/bc/story/bc_wuf-security20060622.html">here</a>, three youth delegates to the World Urban Forum in Vancouver allege that UN security officers -- apparently from either New York or Nairobi -- dragged them out of the Vancouver Trade and Convention Centre Wednesday night, one of the by the hair, after the youths objected to the officers' confiscation of t-shirts bearing a political slogan.<br /><br />Assuming that the complaint is true, this is absolutely outrageous and deplorable conduct. It is simply unacceptable and must not be tolerated.<br /><br />I mean, if anybody is going to deny the civil liberties of individuals on Canadian soil, it had better be a representative of the <span style="font-style: italic;">Canadian </span>government.<br /><br />The nerve, the unmitigated gall, of an international agency to think it can march in here and allow its thugs to stifle political expression and physically assault peaceful protesters -- as though we don't have our own <span style="font-style: italic;">homegrown</span> thugs that are perfectly capable of doing the job. History has shown <a href="http://www.cpc-cpp.gc.ca/DefaultSite/Reppub/index_e.aspx?ArticleID=376">otherwise</a>.<br /><br />It's a denial of Canadian sovereignty. It's insulting.<br /><br />Vancouverites in particular should be appalled, given this city's <a href="http://www.pivotlegal.org/Publications/reportstsap.htm">track record</a> of excellence in the area of police misconduct. When it comes to excessive force and violation of rights, our cops can not only compete with any police force in the Western world, but our cops can kick their asses. (Most likely after dark, possibly in a secluded <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/story/news/national/2004/01/05/vancouver_police040105.html">park</a> somewhere.)<br /><br />So I call on Ministers McKay and Day and Ambassador Rock to make a clear and unequivocal statement to the UN and the international community in general: It's <span style="font-style: italic;">our</span> Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Canadian minds conceived it. A Canadian Prime Minister signed it. And when it's trampled, those size 12 standard-issue bootprints are goddamn well gonna say "Made in <a href="http://www.canadianmountie.com/uniforms/uni-RCMP-footwear.html"><span style="font-style: italic;">Canada</span></a>".<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1150833914020164702006-06-20T12:39:00.000-07:002006-06-20T16:43:05.966-07:00But if you drop your sub-machine gun, a passer-by picks it up for youSome concurrent headlines don't add up. Like "Head injuries on decline in Okanagan" along side "Stockwell Day wins by landslide".<br /><br />Today, I'm having trouble reconciling "<a href="http://toronto.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20060620/toronto_nice_060620/20060620?hub=TorontoHome"><span style="font-weight: bold;">T.O. third most polite city in the world: survey</span></a>" with "<span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://toronto.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20060620/shootings_continue_060620/20060620/?hub=TorontoHome">One man dead after shootings continue in T.O</a>.</span>".<br /><br />Hmm. Guess the folks at <span style="font-style: italic;">Reader's Digest</span> didn't consider 'tendancy to not riddle fellow citizens with hot lead' as a valid measure of politeness.<br /><br />Or maybe it's all about whether you say "my bad" afterwards?<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1150233287070984602006-06-13T13:54:00.000-07:002006-06-13T14:51:58.046-07:00They even look a bit alikeSome things are so horrid they must be shared, lest one suffer alone.<br /><br />At first, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Ultimately, I did both -- but only after flushing my eyes, ears (and, for good measure, at least one other orifice) with a 1:1 solution of CLR and paint thinner.<br /><br />I was about to entitle this post <span style="font-style: italic;">"This has nothing to do with politics..."</span> but then I realized something: <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.bestweekever.tv/2006/06/07/update-the-world-did-end-yesterday/">this</a> is the musical equivalent of every Stockwell Day press conference I've ever seen.<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /><br /></span>I'm sorry.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:85%;" >*</span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1149626143551050182006-06-06T13:24:00.000-07:002006-06-06T13:36:53.033-07:00Decapitation is not funny, but Howdy Doody isThe shocking headline: <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.cbc.ca/story/canada/national/2006/06/06/suspects-hearing.html">Suspect accused of wanting to behead PM, lawyer claims</a>. <h1 class="headline"></h1> The obvious defence: "My Lord, my client meant he wanted to cut the Prime Minister's <span style="font-style: italic;">hair </span>off, not his whole head. I refer your Lordship to Exhibit 12, "Official Photo of Prime Minister". I mean, really, just look at that mop. Need I say more?"<br /><br />Count dismissed.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18506804.post-1149258387984913802006-06-02T07:10:00.000-07:002006-06-02T17:21:20.596-07:00Call me a fire retardant, but...Toronto-based watchdog group Environmental Defence has <a href="http://ottsun.canoe.ca/News/National/2006/06/02/1610698-sun.html">issued a report</a> of research showing that Canadian children are contaminated by a 'soup' of potentially toxic industrial chemicals -- including several known or suspected carcinogens, hormone disrupters and neurotoxins.<br /><br />Which has to be great news for Joe Volpe. <span style="font-style: italic;">Neurotoxins</span>. Might just make a kid do something wonky. You know, like empty his RBC Little Moneybags account to donate $5400 to <a href="http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20060602.LIBERALS02E/TPStory/National">somebody's</a> leadership campaign.<br /><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">*</span></span><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><div style="text-align: right;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102);font-size:78%;" >From <a href="http://blogofhavril.blogspot.com">[insert something clever]</a> <a rel="license" href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.5/">Some Rights Reserved</a></span></div></div>Havrilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01625986847987401912noreply@blogger.com8