Sunday, November 26, 2006

Well, not so much staggered as got dragged by a salt truck

Sometimes the stars align. Or at least the flakes.

Here I was, pondering my 13th place showing in round 1 voting at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards. And there it was -- snow. Right here, in my little Vancouver suburb, heaps and heaps and heaps of snow.

And we all know what a guy needs to work out his political future: a long walk in the snow.

And so I walked. Well, I got a ride down to the pub, threw back a few, had a couple dozen wings, then wrote my name in the parking lot. Dotted the "i" and everything. Thing of beauty. But I walked home. Staggered, anyway.

Point is, I figured a couple of things out. One of those things had to do with foreskin and frostbite, but I'll spare you the uncomfortable details. The second thing I figured out is that I'm not about to give up this fight.

Sure, my blog has been "eliminated from future rounds of voting". Yes, I've been "resoundingly rejected by blog readers". Absolutely, I "have no chance of winning within the rules of the competition."

But, in the words of Gandhi, anytime somebody reminded him that he was an untouchable -- so fucking what?

My mission to be voted the Canadian Blog Awards Best Humour Blog of 2006 is bigger than the mere fact that I cannot be voted the Canadian Blog Awards Best Humour Blog of 2006. My dedication to serve as your democratic choice for humour in the blogosphere is not weakened by your decision that you'd rather I didn't. My commitment to this process will not be stymied by its results.

And so, I formally announce that my campaign will continue. With this announcement, I am unveiling my first in a series of campaign ads directed at some of the front runners in round two voting, whom I view to be my most serious competition, given that they made it to round two and I didn't.

Remember: vote for me in round two... even though you can't.


At November 27, 2006 10:46 a.m., Anonymous scout said...

hahahahahaha!!!!! now others will know why i was so ticked off you didn't make it to the finals, and in fact, i had conceded to you before the final results of round one.

thanks for the endorsement and your czech is in the mailorder....she's a fiesty little thing and i chose her for you becuase she's small and the postage was cheaper.

as for your asking on another blog if it's ok to eat the snow......yes, and if it's yellow, just add sugar.

At November 27, 2006 12:26 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Hey! I wasn't even nominated. I need the votes way more than you. Vote for me!

At November 27, 2006 12:51 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Scout: It's a dog-eat-dog world, my photoshopping friend. I endorse you today, but I may turn on you tomorrow. I'm thinking your unhealthy obsession with a certain guy named Stephen is ripe for some fearmongering.

K-dough: I think there's still time to add you to the ticket. I'll let you pick the tunes on the bandwagon.

At November 27, 2006 12:55 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

I've already picked Disturbed's cover of Tears for Fears' Shout as my campaign song.

At November 27, 2006 2:08 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

but,but....if you turn on me what am i going to do with the czeck? surely you can't keep her if you cross the floor, and my place is too small. it's not that i'm obsessed with steve, it's just that i'm obsessed with him. i'll make fun of anyone, honest.

k-dough said he'll give me a full page spread as long as i'm not naked. is this what it takes to get votes? voting for the unvotable? sheesh, what a world.

At November 27, 2006 5:09 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At November 27, 2006 5:12 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Scout- you said: "is this what it takes to get votes? voting for the unvotable?"

I say: yes. how do you think political parties get into power in Canada? the unvotable are usually the guys opposite the guys you think should burn in hell: therefore, votes galore baby!

Hav- we have never addressed the fact that you did not call me when you were in Ontario to have a drink.

ok girlfriend, spill.

At November 27, 2006 6:31 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

I need a committee too.

At November 28, 2006 12:26 a.m., Anonymous scout said... that case i'll pose naked.

and havril, go away, i only came here to watch the video again. shit, i blew it, why didn't i just lurk?

At November 29, 2006 4:38 p.m., Blogger Attila Vass said...

If there's any cause worth fighting it's one that can't be won. I think George Bush said something like that once. You have my vote Havril.

At December 01, 2006 4:37 a.m., Blogger Alison said...

So remember, folks - cast your ballot for Havril by writing his name in the parking lot before all the snow is gone. I suggest a combination of Guiness and one of those new joined-up hand-writing fonts but your footage may vary.

At December 01, 2006 2:01 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Shit. I just learned that voting is closed. My campaign manager is so fired. No, I mean it, Mom. Hit the road.

Sigh. And after all the work I put into my other campaing ads. One was a twist on Letterman's "Trump or Monkey?" game, called "Rick or Borat?". Another, featuring a kd lang lookalike, centred around the slogan "the Minx Stinks".

And, yes, I was working on one (it was only in the development stage) involving Harper Valley, detailing all the circumstantial evidence pointing to the conclusion that Scout killed my grandmother. Hey, all's fair in love, war, and blogging.

Oh, well. There's always next year. And the NHL All Star Game voting. I'm so going to drag Luongo's name though the mud.

At December 01, 2006 7:31 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

havril, you weren't supposed to know i killed your grandmother!!!! you were supposed to think it was mrs. peacock with a lead pipe, in the kitchen.

At December 01, 2006 11:24 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

If the Professor doesn't hit some of those angst bloggers with a clue stick in the computer room, I'm going to barf.

At December 01, 2006 11:42 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

You can't give up now, Havril - there's still Round 3 to go and we don't yet know how many of those disappointed Vancouver Housing delegates will be crossing the floor for you.
Have you thought about live-blogging the results as they come in?

At December 02, 2006 8:08 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

What? There's a round three? Saskboy, tell Mom she can come back to work. Scout, you just stay away from her.

At December 02, 2006 2:40 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

havril, you're asking a cereal killer to stay away from your mom? i'll get her raisin bran , just like i got your gran's porridge.

and yes, round three coming up with 'stefane and celine the minx' and 'iggy dishelleved' in the top running. get your emails out NOW to the comedy clubs for votes.....don't forget to use the 'n' word. 'nice', it stands for nice.

btw, even though mercer will take first, i'll never concede, not even as an honourabley mentioned. he can just, he can.......i'm sorry, i'm in tears and just walked out of the awards theatre. my mascara ran all over my new value village gown.

At December 02, 2006 9:59 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

Scout : Don't you worry, girl. I don't think you're going to need it, but if it comes to it, we'll have us a Round Four - and this is the clever part - we won't tell Mercer about it.

At December 03, 2006 10:12 p.m., Blogger David R. Amos said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At December 04, 2006 6:41 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

alison, we need to keep things quiet from rami next round!!!

havril, you look very , er, pretty in your gown at the awards.

At December 10, 2006 12:08 a.m., Anonymous scout said...

so what are we going to have to do now to get another post out of you?

let's see.......the old 'suggest a topic' routine? we'll need procrastinatrix for that one. how about a bribe? victoria's secret is supposed to be coming to town promoting her anti-pulp/pro cariboo campaign. i have a friend who has a friend who has a friend who knows her and maybe i could fix you up.

At December 19, 2006 6:58 p.m., Anonymous Saskboy said...

Christmas is coming. Is more blog content too?

At December 25, 2006 2:24 a.m., Anonymous scout said...

happy havril christmas! aloha, blogging bro....hope yer putting yer feet up long and hard for the holidays!!!!

At December 28, 2006 1:21 p.m., Blogger Candace said...

havril, where did you go?

Merry (belated) Christmas, wherever you are.


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