Sunday, November 19, 2006


No doubt drunk on Saskatoon-berry wine, some misguided kid nominated this blog -- yes, this blog -- under the "Best Humour Blog" category at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards. I've know about this for some time, but declined to mention it out of a sense of modesty. Also, I've been busy with a frame-by-frame analysis of the Screech sex tape. But mainly modesty.

I'm glad to be nominated. Honoured. Flattered. And quite possibly aroused. But all is not warm and tingly. See, the nomination has heightened the usual criticism I get from readers. "You really need to post now!" said one commenter. "Look busy!" said another. Then there was "You know, we aren't done just because you've had an orgasm!" Er, that last one was probably my wife. But now at least I know she's read my blog at least once.

Anyway, I feel compelled to respond to these unfair attacks on my blogging frequency -- to tell the world why I don't post as often as I should, and what I'm going to do about it.

At times like these, I look to that wristband I wear, inscribed with those four letters to live by: WWRD. What Would Rona Do? Sure enough, there, in her forthright and courageous words last week to the UN Climate Change Conference in Nairobi was all the inspiration I needed...

Webcast Address to Canadian Blog Awards voters
November 19, 2006
Speech delivered by Havril
Mr. Myblahg, distinguished nominees, honoured readers, that guy who accidentally got here looking for pics of Scarlett Johansson's boobs.

Havril is proud to be here at the Canadian Blog Awards as a friend, a partner and an ally to further our international efforts to address the Humour Deficit.

We have come together to demonstrate to the Blogosphere that an effective global response to the Humour Deficit is needed, and that it is possible - to offer hope instead of fear, and to be constructive in the face of institutional challenges, chief among them the fact that Havril can't afford a TiVo.


Anyway, we are here to share our challenges, our successes and our hopes for the future. I am pleased to share with you Havril's challenges, his successes and his hopes. And, with any luck, a lapdance. Er, sorry - that's from my address to the Canadian Adult Video Awards. Um, excuse me while I sit for the rest of this speech.

When New Havril assumed control of Insert Something Clever a year ago he found an unacceptable situation. He found that measures to address the Humour Deficit by previous Havrils were insufficient and unaccountable. In short, previous Havrils were incompetent assholes. And Criminals. Did I mention they were criminals?

Weeks after promising Mrs. Scout from Harper-Valley that he would post more often - and let's pretend for the purposes of this stupid speech that he posts while wearing a robe - Havril still had not implemented a domestic plan to address the Humour Deficit. And the result is that Havril is 35% below his - wait for it, wait for it - Kimono target. [Allow for applause, curtsey]

Havril recognized that it was time to face up to his challenges in the most Havrilian way: to be forthright with his readers (all four of them) and his international partners (i.e. that Cuban chambermaid he hooked up with in Varadero) about the results of his previous efforts, and to be realistic on the progress he could make by 2012.

As an aside, we measure these things with reference to 2012 for one reason: Because Nostradamus has predicted the start of World War 3 in 2011. A longstanding principle of good public policy, and the mob, is that it's easy to be accountable to others when those others are dead.

Anyhoo, as with any bold recognition of the truth, Havril's was met by resistance. But it was the right thing to do. Havril will not deny the obvious, nor disrespect his blogging obligations by paying them mere lip service with no substance. However, speaking of respect, he will deny ever having paid for lip service, substantive or otherwise. That woman was a certified massage therapist, and those pictures were clearly photoshopped.

Havril will confront the reality of previous Havrils' inaction. Indeed, Havril has chosen real progress over delay - and transparency [point to mesh tank top, pause while audience oggles man nipples] over rhetoric. Havril is taking responsibility, embarking on pragmatic solutions and finally beginning the process of putting his own house in order. No, literally - this place is a mess. See, the wife was out of town, and a few buddies came over with a two-four. Havril isn't sure who got the pizza sauce on the ceiling. Might have been the registered massage therapists.

This is where Havril's challenges have turned into successes. He recognized that leadership and real action were required. And under the leadership of, well, Havril, this morning Havril introduced Havril's Computer Time Plan; the first ever policy by Havril to take a coordinated approach on increasing Havril's computer-related activity - checking his hockey pool more often, keeping better 'abreast' of the latest celebrity nipple slips, emailing more fart-related science questions to Quirks & Quarks. Oh, and blogging more. If he has time.

Havril recognized that the voluntary approaches of the past were not sufficient and that it was time for those sons-of-bitches who never help Havril out, to become a larger part of the solution. As such, this New Havril is the first Havril to move his family, friends and colleagues from voluntary measures to mandatory assistance, also known as 'blackmail'. A coworker won't volunteer to work late so Havril can go home early to blog? His fiancee gets an email attaching those pics of said co-worker getting his freak on in the alley behind the Number 5 Orange. See how this works?

His plan recognizes the importance of a long-term commitment to increasing blogging. He will continue to take into account the well-researched advice from credible sources such as Wikipedia and will work to increase Havril's absolute blogging output by up to 65 per cent by 2050. Or 2075 at the latest. With this timeline, Havril will be more accountable to more dead people than ever before.

But Havril's plan also recognizes the need for urgent action so that he can finally make progress towards his 2012 obligations, whatever the fuck they were. Early in the New Year, Havril will finally have short term targets and timelines for the implementation of, er, short term targets and timelines. Um, did I mention that the last bunch of guys were crooks?

Recognizing the role for non-regulated entities, such as his noisy-ass neighbours, to take on voluntary targets and receive credit for the contributions they are making, Havril is working with several of his drinking buddies, who happen to belong to certain motorcycle enthusiast clubs, to develop a system for opt-ins and offsets - whereby, if the neighbours 'opt' to turn down their shit music so Havril can work on his blog, nobody will 'set' said neighbours' garage on fire. Only a plan that seeks to include everyone will deliver the results Havril needs to make a difference.

Havril's plan recognizes the Havrilian context: his lack of blogging comes primarily from two places - procrastination and energy. To combat procrastination, Havril has invested 1.3, um, tens of dollars in one of those Habits of Effective People books. Well, he plans to. As for energy, he is finding innovative ways to utilize higher caffeine levels without the inconvenience of heart palpatations.

Havril's plan recognizes that citizens must be a part of the solution. If blog consumers do not take individual responsibility for their actions and make more Havril-friendly choices, the blogging of Havril will be in vain. To support his new blog assistance regulations, Havril this afternoon committed 20 dollars towards consumer education programs. Untraceable flea-market typewriter: $12. Stamps and envelopes: $8. The buzz generated by a mass mailing of "Read my blog or your grey Tabby meets my Silver Tahoe" letters: priceless.

There are some who are using the Kimono Protocol to create divisions within Havril, but Havril will not let that happen. Havril has one target and we -- er, I, er, he - all share the responsibility to work together to fulfill his obligations. And to develop rock hard abs. And to make a million dollars. Oh, and to learn to juggle. Focus is key.

It is Havril's belief that Havril must strive to create a blog that is compatible with other blogs and leads to the inclusion of Ottawonk - a blog Havril will not criticize, isolate and exclude because it must be part of the solution. Havril will continue to engage our neighbour and encourage them to take on a stronger role within the Blogging Community. And to use upper-case letters once in a while.

As you can see, Havril has begun to work through his challenges. He can now share some of his progress and he looks forward to his successes. It is through your continued support that Havril will be able to provide hope to unmotivated slackers everywhere and proof to the Blogosphere that Havril is finally on track to make a difference on this important issue. Which, as I recall, was juggling.

Havril's hope is that other bloggers can learn from the challenges Havril is overcoming. Havril's hope is that we truly find an inclusive approach as we move forward. That we include, and support and encourage, instead of exclude, isolate and criticize. And no noogies. Purple nurples, however, are motivational and oddly arousing. But I digress.

To those of you who might question Havril's resolve to stand together on this urgent issue, let there be no doubt. Except for as to how one person can stand together with himself - but for the purposes of this speech, let's let that one slide. Remember, no criticism.

Havril remains strongly committed to the Myblahg process. Havril remains strongly committed to Kimono and– driven by a principled obligation for comfort and elegance in Asian lounging attire. And he looks forward to making a significant contribution to the global efforts to fight the Humour Deficit. And to blogging more, if he has time.

Havril wants to thank his delegation for their outstanding professionalism and dedication to this cause. He was glad to have met you on the bus ride over here. Sorry those Grey Cup tickets didn't pan out, but this was fun, right?


As we gather here, we are as blog writers obligated to take stock of the challenges facing us, through article 3.9, article 9, and article 99 - the so-called "Wayne Gretzky" clause, which states that if you used to be a superstar, you can coach a hockey team into the ground and nobody will question you. But that's probably not relevant here.

As we do this, we must ask ourselves "what has worked?" and "what has not worked?" More importantly, we must ask ourselves "why work at all?" The answer is clear: because lap dances aren't free. Um, wrong speech again.

There are some who fear that by admitting certain things are not working Havril is in effect abandoning Kimono. On the contrary, Havril would challenge each of us to recognize that we are abandoning our blogging obligations if we do not acknowledge that we must make improvements. Havril would further challenge each of us to not think too much about that logic. To that end, Havril's delegation will be handing out copies of the Screech sex tape as a diversionary tactic.

Our debate needs to be one of constructive dialogue - centered on real policy discussions, not cynicism and political expediency. Or noogies.

Ultimately Havril will not achieve success by denying the shortcomings of his past approach. Rather, success lies in an open, honest and constructive assessment of where Havril stands today, and a determined effort to identify how he can hack into the the blogs of funnier, more prolific nominees and replace their posts with erotic fiction about Myron Thompson and parliamentary pages in the Peace Tower.

In Havril's world, the Humour Deficit is the subject of vigorous debate as it is throughout the Blogosphere. In his social circle, he seeks open and constructive dialogue (subject to the "no criticism" policy outlined earlier) and welcomes every overture of collaboration. Well, not so much collaboration as motivation. Well, not so much motivation as unsolicited emails attaching pictures of female readers in various states of undress.

Havril offers the same in the blogging community. Naked pictures to follow.

Thank you.



At November 19, 2006 8:11 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

I started turning the music up half way... [actually read the whole thing].

It's indeed a serious humour deficit this country is running, and the interest rates are way up for laughs.

At November 19, 2006 8:16 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

ZZzzzzzzzzz. oh, er, ah, chairman, in response to the 'nsert something clever' delegate, i would like to point out that his kimono honda accordian blows higher octane levels than my brainless car. however, this does not mean that ms. scout is any less committed (although in a certified sense), to ensureing havril-revvy's blogosphere plan does not get fully implemented by 2050.

further more, those screech tapes are mine and mr. havril has still not returned them. he keeps saying they have hand lotion spilled on them, but i suspect another substance.

harper valley , a place of prisitne beauty threatened by the noxious air of insert something vibraTORY , and an unbeknownst air-borne sustance called ottawamanempire, wishes whole heartedly that mr. havril would stop blowing the back out of his kimono with his sharting. it seems to spill onto my screen and infect not only the air quality but infect my loyal readers with eccoli and ghardia. IF on the other hand (not the one i engage in solitary vice with ), he were to wear a silk kymono rather then the 60% poly, 40% rayon one he dons, I may consider his procrastinatrux plan.

ms. scout hereby moves that she already concede to mr. havril (because he's my fave funny guy) , though will continue to vote for her own progressive plan which calls for 60's fashion, post war glee and 'happy days'.....known as the desoto plan. it involves denial and harry reams re-runs.

in conclusion, mr. chair, i would like to point out that nostradamus bush likes jeb better then george.
thank you, and sia in your noras.

good luck, buddy, i'm sure that's you up a few notches from me in the polls , and i love it :)

p.s., what would you do without naggers like me?

At November 19, 2006 8:23 p.m., Blogger Sheena said...

If you can look into removing the GST on tampons, I *might* consider using my powers of persuasion to get Sheena's unwashed hordes to throw a vote or two your way.

At November 19, 2006 8:46 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Saskboy. Thanks for hanging in there. It wasn't me that was long winded, it was the Rona-nator. And what music? If my blog has a soundtrack other than flatulence, I'd like to know about it.

Scout. Thanks for putting off your nap. If that is me ahead of you in the polls, it's only because I took a page from the Liberal Leadership Handbook and enlisted a number of deceased supporters. My great, great, great Grandfather from Russia was voting for me every day, until his mouse finger broke off.

Sheena. Forget the GST -- this blog has always been in favour of universal free feminine hygiene products. And not just for women. Why, just the other day, I was suffering from a nasty GSW to the chest and thought, 'Damn, I wish I had a kotex!' So, I'm witcha, sistah. But, I have to admit... sometimes this blog just doesn't feel fresh, you know?

At November 19, 2006 9:23 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

"And what music?"
The music they turn up at an awards acceptance speech. They needed some of that for Rona too ;-)

But don't worry, I've put my own 10 page blog post up tonight too.

At November 19, 2006 9:45 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

i'm so glad you've enlisted your deceased great great whatever. i tried to channel bill gates to do an auto-million-vote for me but the line was busy. damned geeks!

oh, for the chest thing...kotex WITHOUT wings is recommended, unless you're a bare-chested boy. 15 drops of eucalyptis oil on pad, keep it on overnight , strapped on with one of the old fashoned belts. DO NOT GO HORSEBACK RIDING.

and sheena, i was sure i already bribed you with that tall transgender fellow for a few nights. you promised me you'd cast my way for that, but i didn't know you meant cast a spell. now i've got warts on my's a gal supposed to cope?

so sask boy is doiing a ten page tribute to himself or his fridge? why wasn't there a best fridge blog category? why have i never linked to saskboy when i like his blog....oh ya, i'm in mennopause so forget to.

i think i have a hot bath to go to or something.

At November 19, 2006 9:52 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

I've been adding blogs to my blogrolling blogroll like crazy, in case they get booted from one of the gazillion other blogrolls they and I are a part of, and that I already display on my blog. Trouble is, if blogrolling goes bellyup, they'll disapear from both places.
Bloggers like to be on "the other" blogroll besides the big ones, because they get some kinda ego boost from it. I can't explain it.

At November 19, 2006 10:56 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

I have read with some consternation over at The Blog With No Caps your campaign promise to wear a big clown tie - not positioned exactly as shown - in order to garner more votes. Now no one likes a good laugh as much as I do..except possibly my house page and a few of hir friends...but I am concerned that this decision on your part will lower the whole tone of a blog award wherein you can not only nominate yourself but also vote for yourself as many times a day as your town has internet cafes.
In keeping with the prestige and gravitas these awards command, I hope you will reconsider and opt instead for the more traditional bow tie.
Thank you

At November 20, 2006 4:12 a.m., Anonymous Anth said...

You are the best.

At November 20, 2006 11:09 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

I won't be silenced. I'll talk over the music, use a megaphone if my mic gets cut. And, so, help me, I'll freakin' body-slam Billy Crystal if he even lays a finger on me. The man's a comedic genius, but I could totally take him in a fight.

Now that the coffee's back on in my corner of storm-ravaged Greater Vancouver, I'll sit down and read your whole doctor post -- until the first reference to a prostate exam comes up, then I'm out.

I dunno about pads. I think tampons are best for clean, penetrating bullet wounds. I came from a rough 'hood. I still have three plastic applicators lodged in my side.

You could have told me your opinion on the CBAs before I spent $500 on IP cloaking equipment -- to vote repeateldy for you!

You are right about the tie. Classic is best.

And by the way, 'gravitas' is, like, one of my favourite words.

Well, not the best. One of the best, sure. Top 3 in the world, perhaps. Shit, who am I kidding? I am the best. Thanks for noticing.

At November 20, 2006 2:28 p.m., Anonymous Anth said...

You're more then welcome. If at all possible can you vote for me as the best Progressive blogger?

At November 20, 2006 2:48 p.m., Blogger Havril said...


Well, you have a fine blog there, no doubt about that. But it's still a toss up.

You see, you have given me gratuitous praise. Which is nice.

But Saskboy, he already sent me sent me something tangible. It was this really cool picture of the Regina skyline, that he took from downtown Saskatoon. (Get it, 'cause, like, Saskatchewan is so flat. They can't all be gold.)

And Alison, she sent me a limited edition print of her famous Guy from the Village People Puncturing Sack of Ketchupwork. So vivid. So tomatoey. I already have it up in my kitchen.

So, I have to decide: do words trump wealth? Does swagger beat swag?

At November 20, 2006 3:58 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Dontcha' know that Mt. Blackstrap gets in the way of that kind of photo?

At November 20, 2006 4:46 p.m., Blogger Havril said...


"Dontcha' know that Mt. Blackstrap gets in the way of that kind of photo?"

What? That machine-groomed slag pile? Not if you are taller than 5'9" it doesn't. Happy boarding on the bunny hill. Wait -- it's all bunny hill.

At November 20, 2006 4:50 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Why I oughtta sick Gainer and a thousand other gophers on your for slagging our slag hill!

At November 20, 2006 8:14 p.m., Blogger Procrastinatrix said...

I wouldn't mind getting some WWRD underwear.

At November 20, 2006 8:41 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Procrast: That is a sweet idea. Of course, the answer to WWRD is always "defer to Stevie," which might cramp your style just a bit.

At November 20, 2006 11:49 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

come on, come on....stevie only goes for stanfields. mind you his have skid marks on them from all his recent diplomatic faux pas....or is that fake paws?

id like a pair of petery makay gaunch.....a jock with cup would look great on know , that certain middle aged woman flair. gender bender at it's rugby finest, and i could start calling all the women on bowen 'dogs'.

i think it's late ....and i have an appointment tomorrow to remove havril's plastic applicators. lucky the strings are still on them. last time he had me over to change his brake pads with wings, and that was no easy feet....i kept snorting brake lines then dropping battery acid. but the u-joints were good, even if they were hard to light.

At November 21, 2006 12:39 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

All this talk of auto-motive abuse has me feeling a little like touching my grease nipples. I just lovvve the autowork.

At November 21, 2006 12:40 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Err, I meant my car's grease nipples. I.. ah.. don't have any of those personally.

At November 21, 2006 7:30 p.m., Blogger ottawonk said...

ok, so CBA voting isn't closed yet but we're totally ready to concede. havril, you may have won some lame-ass award, but we have won something much, much better: the love of jeebus! that's right, hide your face in your hand with shame, because all your so-called "popularity" and "bitches" make the baby jeebus cry. and we'll see who's laughing when we're chilling with our 70 virgins and you're making cheap snarky jokes about the dear leader steve with rick mercer down in hell.

At November 21, 2006 8:56 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Ottawonk: You and the Krystchyld can concede all you want, dude, but I just figured out I have MovieMaker on my PC, so if we both make it to round two, I'm still going way negative on your fed ass. And Mercer's. Prepare to meet your Willie Horton.

At November 21, 2006 9:46 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

grease nipples :)

who cares about blogging awards when there's greasy nipples around?

At November 22, 2006 4:04 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Congrats Scout, and sorry to Ottawonk and Havril - better luck next year.

I hope for your continued support, as I work my grease nipples to the final.

At November 22, 2006 4:14 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Snap! I so kicked Ottawonk's ass. It was that final get-out-the-vote push that put me over the top. That, and I have exactly 9 cousins.

At November 22, 2006 4:17 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Oh, and congrats to Scout. And to Saskboy -- I just saw the "progressive" category. I'll be in touch shortly re: whoring out my campaigning services to one or both of you. I work dirty and cheap.

At November 22, 2006 9:20 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Thanks Havril, I'll be needing your services.

At November 22, 2006 9:27 p.m., Blogger ottawonk said...

very gracious of you havril. oh btw, vito will be over later to break your legs.

At November 22, 2006 9:41 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

dirty and cheap? you're hired....bring your own lunch.

At November 22, 2006 9:50 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

oh and saskboy, get on over here with your greased up nipples. havril's agreed to a menage between the three of us (was that redundant or what?) as part of his promo contract. mind you i had to agree to a paper bag over my head....or was that my entire body?

anways, looks like this blog award thing could be more fun then anticipated.......and we all have to work together to overthrow mercer (damn you, cbc!) and raymink or whatever her face is. she's got product!!! sheena's suggesting we do the same. but will i go run of the mill t-shirts like her? no way, it's steve autographed butt plugs or nothing.

mind you, rumour says havril's going for condoms with his face on the end. i'll order a half dozen for xmas presents.

At November 22, 2006 10:54 p.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Talk about super effective birth control!

At November 22, 2006 11:14 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Such lewdness from you all. Please, take a cold shower or imagine the Prime Minister in that Kimono.

At November 23, 2006 7:48 a.m., Blogger Saskboy said...

Can I take that picture into the shower with me?


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