Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Boom goes the dynamite

I refer, of course, to North Korea's recent explosive admission into Club Nuke, and not -- as my wife, our neighbours, or our local haz-mat squad might have guessed -- to the equally explosive effect brussel sprouts have on my colon. Though, if you asked any of them, the latter is probably the more pressing threat to global security. And I tend to agree.

Saturday's detonation doesn't mean North Korea has the bomb. It only means North Korea had the bomb.

These babies are notoriously expensive to construct. A tonne of enriched uranium on the black market will put a guy back more than the equivalent of a month's rent in Fort McMurray. Okay, maybe not that much, but a lot. And all those little yellow radioactive triangle stickers you are supposed to put on a nuclear bomb aren't cheap, either. Mind you, in a pinch, you could get by with some pink triangle stickers, with the added advantage that you could recoup costs by renting the weapon out for use as a Pride Day float. But Jong-Il probably didn't think of that. Evil genius, my ass.

So here's what I'm thinking: Kooky Kimmy, crazy mofo that he is, blew the People's Democratic wad on just the one functioning melt-o-matic. That one is gone, and he can't afford to build another one any time soon. I mean, shit, think of the balance on his RadioShack credit card alone. So any other nukes he might parade out for the cameras in the months to come are just duds. Old movie props from Armageddon. Surplus sex toys.

Now, do I want to go all Dirty Harry on this guy and call his bluff? You know, send in the troops and see how many caps he has left in the chamber? Well do I... punk?

Er, no. And don't call me punk.

It's too risky. I mean, I could be wrong on the lone nuke theory. It's bound to happen one of these times. And if I am, and if these nutters have two or ten of them, the consequences would be catastrophic. Sure, a couple of years of nuclear winter would put a dent in global warming and create new market for that warehouse of three-armed factory reject parkas I bought on eBay. But if North Korea nukes South Korea, then the US nukes North Korea, millions of innocent people will die (or, if I recall correctly from the made-for-TV movie The Day After, sparkle momentarily and disappear.)

Which, either way, is bound to fuck with the global supply of kimchi pancakes. Now, I'm not equating the two in terms of tragedy -- I'm just making the point that there is a ripple effect to these things that nobody ever talks about. And that kimchi pancakes are very tasty.

So, no, I don't want to see the Americans or anybody else to go in there guns a-blazing. (Anyway, as this top secret intelligence video demonstrates, guns-a-blazing is no match for fists a-taekwondoing.)

No, I'm just saying that Kim Jong-Il's little firecracker display doesn't necessarily mean that the world is any closer to nuclear annihilation. So we should all chill a bit and not do anything rash -- like build a fallout shelter, find religion, or pick Eric Lindros in a hockey pool.

Yeah, so I guess I'm just I'm saying we shouldn't all crap our collective pants over this nukes in North Korea thing. Brussel sprouts, however, are another matter.


At October 11, 2006 10:38 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

kimchi pancakes - mmmm. translated, kimchi literally means essence of dictator. who doesn't enjoy a little fiery fascist snack once in a while- even though it tends to go right to your hips.

At October 11, 2006 7:00 p.m., Blogger Procrastinatrix said...

Or thanksgiving day turnip. Yikes.

I'm not freaking over nucular war. If anything, its the Americans that's going to cause it, not lil'kim.

ps. as usual i laughed my ass off at your post. Not posting every single day I think is a travesty against mankind. Shame on you.

At October 11, 2006 11:28 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

That dildo bears a rather unsettling resemblance to several items in my kitchen that I have previously assumed were for chopping vegetables. Thanks for clearing that up.

At October 12, 2006 8:01 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

k-dough - not my hips, my humps. my humps. my lovely little lumps.

procrast - I'm sorry for the loss of your ass. I suggest some kimchi pancakes to rebuild it.

alison - Remember, 70% of all household accidents occur in the kitchen. Please, be careful.

At October 12, 2006 10:20 p.m., Blogger Scout said...

for gawd sakes havril, just don't shart!

there could be a huge conspiracy going on here....kimchee is said to be a cure for the avian flu...see where i'm going with this? nevermind , neither do i.

At October 13, 2006 12:02 a.m., Anonymous Anth said...

Yea.. Kim Jong Il is only doing this for a attention grab. Cause he's so ronery and horny. I think we should mail him one of those surplus dildos for some entertainment.

I do believe that North Korea is going to continue their 'all talk' policy that has drawn the small poverty country on the Korean peninsula international attention for plasting a hole in the ground. There are only a minority of countries to this day that still trade with North Korea in the aftermath of the Korean War. Sanctions just mean that the United Nations will place an end to humanitarian aid that we know isn't arriving at the doorsteps of the North Koreans but on the feast table of Kim Jong Il.

At October 13, 2006 6:00 a.m., Blogger cheezwhiz said...

What ever would happen if you put Korean hot sauce on your brussels sprouts?

At October 13, 2006 10:36 p.m., Blogger Scout said...

oh cheez, please, NO!!!! just don't have a lighter around when it happens.


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