Saturday, December 29, 2007

Oh baby (he said, not referring to Sheila Copps)

Be afraid, be very afraid. Havril has replicated.

Round about a fortnight ago, my wife and I were given the best little package you can get that won't bring you before a Commons Committee -- our first child, a beautiful baby boy. To protect his identity, let's call him "Karlheinz", and let's say he weighed between two and 18 pounds.

And to answer the question you must be asking, why yes, I am the father. I mean, my wife says so, and the boy does have my testicles. Now, the rest of him looks oddly like Joe Clark, but I'm told that's a natural stage of child development.

To answer another question you might be asking, no, fatherhood will not change the frequency of my blogging. Thankfully, I am inexplicably proficient at one-handed typing, so blogging whilst soothing baby should be a breeze. So, like clockwork, I will continue to post every two to 18 weeks, NHL playoffs excepted.

But the content of my posts may change. I mean, how could it not? Being a father is changing my whole outlook on life.

For example, the prospect, however remote, that Stephen Harper might eat babies was mildly concerning when they were babies in the abstract. But it's downright terrifying now that it's my baby that's at risk. In 2008, look for more posts against federal infantavorism.

And I used to mock Harper's piddly $100 per month Universal Childcare Benefit. But now I see the value of that monthly infusion of cash in subsidizing my increased costs of pay-per-view movies now that I am up at all hours attending to a crying baby. Mind you, the benefit could be higher. At $12.99 a pop, a measly 100 loonies won't even get me through Comely Coeds 9. In the new year, look for more posts advocating for a generous universal porn top-up for new parents.

My life right now is pretty much about two things: one, trying to attach meaning to incessant incoherent bellowing; and, two, poo -- endless streams of foul, runny poo. Come January, watch for more posts about speeches by federal Environment Minister John Baird.

Anyway, I have to run. Little Karlheinz is stirring.
*

9 Comments:

At December 31, 2007 9:13 p.m., Blogger Alison said...

Congratulations, dear boy, and to the lovely Mrs H for getting you through it all right.

Welcome to Planet Earth, Baby Havril. It's a beautiful and terrifying place, and well worth your time. These exhausted and terribly well-meaning folks are the best guides you could possibly have on your journey. Suggest you start adequate tipping program immediately.

 
At January 02, 2008 5:11 a.m., Blogger Rosie said...

congratulations! For your wife's sake, hope the kid wasn't 18 pounds.

 
At March 02, 2008 6:23 p.m., Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Hey, I just now heard about this! Congratulations to you both! Well, all three!

And yeah, I've noticed that the frequency of your posting has not changed at all.

 
At July 13, 2008 10:11 p.m., Anonymous scout said...

ho ho ho.....i'm late in on this news! congrats, them little things is lots of work, no? btw, save the loonies and watch movies and tv shows here:
http://www.tvliveshows.com least , i think it has the www.

yes, poo and barf stories please.

 
At March 14, 2009 6:53 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

aloha,
time to check in ....just thought maybe being in hawaii i'd entered some time warp black hole vortex kinda thing that would have had me seen another havril post. alas!

 
At February 02, 2010 9:17 p.m., Blogger coolcool654 said...

great ...........................................................

 
At February 28, 2010 6:38 a.m., Blogger 花花美麗 said...

nice job! waiting for your new artical.........................................

 
At May 25, 2016 12:22 a.m., Blogger Melisa Marzett said...

Great post! I'm still looking forward to hearing from you soon !Ordering a resume online hasn't been so easy yet... Give it a try - forward your request to http://classyresumewriter.com/resume_writing!You'll like it!

 
At July 16, 2018 10:05 a.m., Anonymous Harper Valley said...

Havril! This is Scout from Harper Valley (yes, we are talking ancient eons ago). How old is your son now? I'm a grandmother of 2.

I hope you still write...you should write....you should have won the prize that you won but you entered too late. That's the pits and it still bugs me.

I'm in Vancouver now in government projects. Long story but lived in my van for a year and a half, then went through the shelters and ended up here. Am on disability for my bipolar and spend a lot of time on the computer, the oh so dreaded facebook being a big one, along with Netflix.

I saw Alison from Creekside last summer....she's still living on the now gentrified Bowen Island and had bad health probs a couple of years ago. From Creekside she started to get all these research requests so that's a sideline of hers. Nice!

I assume your son has stopped barfing and pooing. Well, maybe not posing but at least not in diapers.

Let me know what you're not up to. Your friend, Wendy.

 

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