Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hello, Kitty. We thought you'd like a little truth in advertising

Disclaimer: the following presentation is fictional. Any resemblance to actual creatures, real, imagined or chemically induced, or to persons natural or corporate, whether alive, dead, undead, preserved or stunned out of their excited delirium, is completely and utterly unintentional, accidental and otherwise one big coinkyidink, and we aren't even smirking or crossing our fingers when we say that. The phrases "Olympic", "Games", "2010", "Winter", "Cold", "Snow", "Snow Bunny", and "Baby Jesus" are, we think, registered trademarks of VANOC. So are, we assume, the phrases "We've Trademarked Everything So You Can't Say Anything", "Colossal Waste of $$$", and "Why, Yes, $580 Million Would Feed a Lot of Hungry Kids". Until Tuesday, we thought the phrases "Pokemon" and "Hello Kitty" weren't, but now we aren't so sure.

Right about now, in a crowded auditorium somewhere in Metro Vancouver...

Ladies and gentlemen, sporting fans, children of all ages (Mesdames et messeurs, sacs de monnaie, petits consommateurs de tout age)... The 2009-and-12-months Olympuck FuntimesTM commitee is proud to introduce to you (Le commité des Bonstemps Olymphoque 2009-et-12-moisWTF est fier de vous vendre)...

The 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtime mascots! (Les p'tits cashcows des Bonstemps Olymphoque 2009-et-12-mois, tabernac!)

These ambassadors of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes tell the real story of British Columbia: political, historical and natural (Ces ambassadeurs des Bonstemps Olymiphoque 2009-et-12-mois representent les vrais contes de fée de la C-B: politique, historique... satirique?)

Swimming... no, flying...no, swimming his way into the theatre, it's.... Muta!

Muta is a mysterious and wonderful creature, part Orca whale, part seagull. The great force that gives Muta his fantastic form is the Funtimes spirit. That, and a soup of toxic chemicals in the ocean. But soup is good for you, right kids? And that fun baking soda volcano you made in science class -- that's chemistry! Chemicals are like magic, but better, because magic doesn't contribute to the provincial GDP. Well, except for Harry Potter, but we don't own his trademark. Yet.

If you look closely, you will see that Muta is sporting a bit of propeller-shaped a boo-boo, which just shows how much he loves to play tag with cruise ships and speedboats. Toot toot! Watch out, Mr. Oil tanker -- it's that rascal Muta!

And from that plastic six-pack ring wrapped around his neck, it looks like Muta had some soda to share -- that's JazzTM Soda, the official drink of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes -- but he couldn't resist drinking them all. That's okay, Muta. But how about you swim-fly to WallyMartTM, the official store of the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes, and get us some more? Goooooooo, Muta!!!!

And who's this cute little critter whirling her way onto the stage? Why, it's Suyu!!!

Suyu the crafty coyote represents our province's mischievous first nations. We call them "first nations" because they were the first people European explorers met when they discovered this nation. Suyu likes to tell tall tales, like one called "You stole my land". We call these stories "legends". You will notice that Suyu has a detachable mouth, because sometimes, like say from 1927 to 1951, it's good for her to have a little time-out on the naughty mat for bothering busy grownups, like judges, with her stories. Telling a story to a judge is like tattling to your school principal. Nobody likes a tattle tale, right, kids? Oh, silly Suyu!

But as her name suggests, little Suyu keeps on telling her stories, when she could be making treaties. Treaties are like a bag of toys, where everybody shares, and there is enough for everyone. Sharing is good, right kids? In our province, we've made three whole treaties! Three is like a triple-scoop ice cream cone. Silly, silly Suyu! Don't you like ice cream? But we like her anyway, because her hat is pretty and her dancing makes us happy. Hurray for Suyu!!!

And last but not least, who's that husky guy thumping his way down the aisle? My goodness, it's... Squashi!!!

Squashi the sasquatch is the protector of the Funtimes spirit in BC. From his steel-toed boots to his strong arms, Squashi is there to give a gentle "squash" to any little meanies who would poo-poo our Funtimes. Kids, your parents might remember Squashi as the mascot for the 1997 APEC Summit. The silly meanies were making too much rude noise, so Squashy playfully squirted them with mace, which is sort of like silly string, but with more flavour. So don't make rude noise to wreck everybody's Funtimes, or Squashi might squash you, or wrestle you, or zap you with his handheld Magic Lightning Bolt. Yikes, Squashi -- that tickles!

During the 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtimes, you might see Squashi greeting visitors at the Vancouver International Airport.

And there they are, kids... your 2009-and-12-months Olympuck Funtime mascots!!!

If you'd like to give one of these guys a great big
Olympuck Funtime spirit hug, line up right here beside the stage. Hugs are only $14.99, or three for $40! Major credit cards accepted.

[Original (and probably trademarked) artwork courtesy of Alison]

**

7 Comments:

At November 29, 2007 8:56 PM, Anonymous scout said...

i said something brilliant before....then , disaster. no 'other' choice to post. boo hoo. i'm suiing.

 
At November 29, 2007 9:09 PM, Blogger Havril said...

Scout: Don't make me send Squashi after you.

 
At December 01, 2007 10:53 AM, Blogger Saskboy said...

Love the post.
But Blogger has screwed with their commenting system. You can't put an author URL in anymore, it's just "Nickname" instead of regular Blogger, or Anonymous.

I hate it too.

 
At December 01, 2007 11:39 AM, Blogger Havril said...

Thanks, Saskboy.

The commenting change would explain scout's issues -- well, some of them. If that's their approach, Blogger may want to team up with VANOC.

 
At December 02, 2007 10:10 PM, Blogger Candace said...

Welcome back! Lovin' the post, but are you sure all of it's legal? I'd hate to see them send a Squashimodo after you.

 
At December 03, 2007 1:50 PM, Blogger Havril said...

Thanks, Candace. I certainly hope all of it is legal. I mean, I watch Matlock and Judge Judy religiously, and I've never seen anything like this come up. Also, I used the little "TM" generously and even added some extra commas when in doubt, so I should be good.

But I could so take Squashimodo. I saw Steve Austin fight a bionic Sasquatch in an ep of the $6 Millon Man. The key is, you have to rip its arm off. That, and make a nihnihnihnih noise with your mouth, as that somehow makes you more powerful. Oh, and a red track suit.

 
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