Friday, March 03, 2006

Must flee TV (or, Live and Let Die)

Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams and pop music icon Paul McCartney will face off on CNN's Larry King Live tonight to debate Canada's seal hunt.

Okay, if I happen to watch this, it will only be because I gave up "not gouging my eyes out" for Lent. Or, because it just might get even bloodier than that.

I mean, there could be a rational, enlightening chat on the (semi-important) issue of animal rights. Danny is an educated and articulate man. As for Paul, I don't know -- he looks a little stunned these days, but I think that's just a bad eyelift.

But this is a very emotional issue all around, and one that every Newfoundlander I've ever met is a wee bit defensive about. So the discussion could just as well degrade into something like the following:

McCartney: ... and this hunt, this senseless massacre, is a stain on the character of the people of Canada.

Williams: Like Flaming Pie is on your career? Listen, if you want to talk 'senseless', my son...

King: Mr. Premier, that hardly seems relevant.

McCartney: It's okay, Larry. He just wants to avoid talking about the extreme cruelty --

Williams: Cruelty? We're just bashing them over the head with clubs, sir. It's not like we're playing them your latest album.

King: Mr. Premier, I don't want this to get --

Williams: ...Or anything Linda wailed on, God rest her soul. I know my ears are resting better.

McCartney: You leave Linda out of this, you moronic, inbred, cod salting--

Williams: Does your new one sing any better, Sir Paul? Speaking of young pups, what is she, 38? You've got a few anthologies on her, don't you think? Mind you, the LSD has preserved you rather well, good Knight.

McCartney: You, sir, are lucky I'm a pacifist or I'd --

Williams: Bash me over the head with a club? Well, if that would put money in the pocket of a hard-working Newfoundlander, I'd gladly take a shot from the likes of you. But, my son, my hide just ain't worth that much.

McCartney (pulling out a casio keyboard and notepad): That's it, I'm writing an unflattering song about you.

Williams: Make sure you rhyme my name with "millions," you granola-eating has-been.

King: Well, that's all the time we have. Sir McCartney, Premier Williams, I thank you both. On Monday's show, we'll have another Canadian Premier, Ralph Klein of Alberta. He'll be debating the topic of oil production with a man who is no stranger to greasiness, the Artist formerly known as Prince.


At March 03, 2006 12:55 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Two Newfoundland posts in two days? Some would call that an unhealthy obsession.

By the way, speaking of stains, McCartney stained my bloody Christmas forever by releasing that horrible synthy piece of crap:
Simp- ly
hav- ing
a wonderful Christmas time.

Disclaimer: The above musical reference has nothing to do with Sir Paul's obvious expertise in species preservation and marine biology.

At March 03, 2006 2:01 p.m., Blogger SkookumJoe said...

clearly what is needed to appease all parties, is a method of patching up bullet holes in seal pelts.

Although that would imply Newfies with guns...oh, now I see.

At March 03, 2006 2:05 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Um, I don't follow, k-dough. One was a Shrove Tuesday post and the other an extra-curricular activities of of ex-Beatles post. If you are going to hunt out tenuous Newfoundland connections in what I write, that's your business.

At March 03, 2006 4:06 p.m., Blogger Table Mountains said...

once again the stars get a photo opportunity with a cute little whitecoat pup that we newfoundlanders do not hunt.i sure would like to see them try to get a photo of a hood seal that we hunt.poor misinformed LSD induced S.O.B.

At March 03, 2006 4:14 p.m., Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

What an imagination you have! This is a delightful piece. (And, who knows, it might play out that way.)

At March 03, 2006 5:45 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

Havril- spin it however you like. Clearly, you are a Maritime-ophile.
You hipwaded into that that one dude.
K-Dough's Canada

At March 03, 2006 8:05 p.m., Blogger Derek Richards said...

Now that is well written comedy.
You really shouldn't say bad things about Flaming Pie
I loved Flamming Pie. Best work I've heard from Sir Paul since, well since, he stopped binge drinking in Scotland and gave up clubbing sheep. (know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

At March 03, 2006 8:07 p.m., Blogger Derek Richards said...


Ram, get it.

At March 03, 2006 8:33 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

another (abridged) omnibus response comment

skookumjoe: It's called duct tape.

table mountains: "Poor"?

ohts: Thanks. There was more in my imagination, but my coffee break is only so long and my ability to describe Tai boxing is rather limited. We'll see (Or I will, anyway. You may have already in your time zone.)

k-dough: I could in fact be one of those. Cape Breton does make me tingle.

Derek: You are too kind, sir. It was a blip of caffeinated inspiration that won't be repeated for hours, if not days. May all your pies be flaming. And meringue. As for winks, nudges and rams... say no more, say no more.

At March 04, 2006 9:33 a.m., Blogger johnny maudlin said...

Dear Mr. Havril

Please continue to be funny. I saw Sir Paul and Yoko Heather on Larry King. Yoko Heather is a bit of a loudmouth and Sir Paul, even after all these years, is still trying to be cute and appease his audience.

I really liked the Canada jacket he was wearing. Do you know where I can find one?

Yer pal
Johnny Maudlin

At March 04, 2006 11:27 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

Dear Mr. JM

I will try my best not to stray from the path of gut-splitting, goat-spitting, grout-sniffing hilarity.

I caught the show. I'm no big fan of hunting, and I'm all about humaine treatment of animals (except for the monkeys, whom I beat daily). But Heather really came across as a misinformed loudmouth and Paul as her dutiful, doe-eyed leg-polisher. I found myself rooting (as in fist-in-the-air cheering) for Danny Williams (Premier of the little-known 11th Province, Newfinland), both times he got a word in edgewise.

Just to spite Heather and Paul, this morning, I went out to the pier and clubbed an otter.

At March 05, 2006 4:05 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

I did alot of clubbing in the 90s, but the drugs and sheer pace of it all nearly killed me. I didn't see many seals though. Strange...

Oh yeah and speaking of wild life- girlsgone
Ok, I'm drunk.

K-Dough's Canada


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