Sunday, February 26, 2006

Ciao Olympica (or: Next Sunday, bran muffins)

Judging from my recent lack of regularity in posting, it would appear that my army of blogging monkeys has gotten into the cheddar again. Always blocks them up. But they've managed to squeeze out a few random Olympic thoughts. Call it a last shot of Olympic spirit: citius, altius, exlaxus (swifter, higher, more likely to produce in explosive bursts).

The Olympics are over. Well, I'm assuming those were the closing ceremonies on TV this morning. Otherwise, Andrea Bocelli and Avril Lavigne are touring together. And the steering on Sam Sullivan's wheelchair is seriously messed up.

(As an aside, did you see Sammy spin around with that flag? Christo, a couple of times I thought he was going to drive off the edge of the stage. That would have been awful. Unless he wasn't injured, and somebody held up a "6.0" card -- that would have been awfully hilarious, in an inappropriate and quite possibly insensitive sort of way.)

Speaking of almost big finishes, Canada finished third in the medal standings. Not bad. Not quite on top, but right below the guys below the guys on top. If the medal standings were a bunkbed, Canada would be sleeping on the floor under the bottom mattress, uncomfortably wedged against some lego and hoping that the US went pee before bedtime.

A best-ever 24 medals -- that's what a year's worth of our $110M five-year commitment to funding our elite young athletes has bought us so far. Let's see, at $22M a year (carry the two, solve for X, subtract the absolute value of pi)... that works out to about $916,666 per medal.

Some would call that a lot to pay for a few moments of superficial national pride and a glorified mantle ornament. (Or was that something for the DVD rack? Perhaps a re-release of The Cutting Edge, widely recognized as the 2nd worst movie ever made, just behind the critically panned independent film, My Life as a Booger.)

Anyway, $917k is a lot of coin to blow on, well, a coin -- especially when you think about the legacy those funds could have established for thousands of young Canadians in real need.

Consider the following: at that price, Pierre Lueders' silver in bobsleigh would put every one of Canada's estimated 18,336 tobogganless children in a brand new GT Free Flight Sno Racer (now only $49.99 at Canadian Tire). To paraphrase from the Bible: give a man a fish and you feed him for a day... give a child a hypersonic kiddie luge with a rigid plastic ski at the front, and you don't need to feed him much of anything anymore, what with the bowel ressection that will follow his inevitable 72 km/h gut-impalement at the bottom of Johnson's hill.

Consider further that, for the price of Team Gushue's gold in curling (often described as the geekiest winter sport) we could get every nerdy teenage guy on every Reach for the Top team in Canada a thrilling, and instructive, night with a high-priced hooker. Growing up, that was my Olympic dream. I still get a tear in my eye just thinking of it. (Hurry hard, lads, hurry hard!)

And for the cost of just one of the record five speekskating medals pumped out by Cindy Klassen's formidable and well-funded thighs, this country could have bestowed a ThighMaster Gold on as many as 84,955 of its most underprivileged (as in, undertoned) young women. And that's a lifetime of superficial pride, not to mention a 90-day warranty.

I mean, let's get our priorities straight, people.


At February 27, 2006 3:25 a.m., Blogger Miss Cellania said...

What? Canada doesn't have corporate sponsors to pay for all that? Listen, all you gotta do is plaster "Seagrams" or "Marlboro" or whatever across the star athlete's chest, and that new icetrack is paid for!

At February 27, 2006 6:29 a.m., Blogger johnny maudlin said...

You're a pretty funny guy. I think you ought to do some sort of stand up thing where you live.

So....stand up!

At February 27, 2006 6:35 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

If only it were that easy, Miss C. The government restricts tobacco advertising here. We could put cigarette logos on the competitors' chests, but then we'd have to put photographs of tarry lungs on their backs. I'm almost kidding.

At February 27, 2006 6:40 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

Thanks, Johnny... so long as you didn't mean "pretty, funny guy." Last time somebody called me "purdy" -- well, I don't like to talk about that. Actually, I did the stand-up thing for a while, in a temporary and amateurish way. It was okay and I may try it again, but for now I'd rather write. Blogging is nice in that I get to delete hecklers.

At February 27, 2006 7:56 a.m., Anonymous Gozo Geek said...

Two questions:

1: Are you related to that Levigne chick that used to be from somewhere in Eastern Ontario and dressed like a Skatr boy but now has hair by Gucci and actual makeup on her pouty lips and orphaned waif eyes. I couldn't help but notice the similarity in your names.

2: Is the Mayor entered into any events in the soon to be renamed Quadlympics? Like synchronized flag dance? Or combined Ramp Rolling?

At February 27, 2006 7:57 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

My review of your post:

Twisted. Enigmatic. I peed my pants- not from joy, but rather fear. Fear of the unknown person I know. Fear of poetic licence. Fear of god and his winged-monkey minions with barbed penises. Fear of contracting salmonella from my own spit.

On second thought- maybe they weren't my pants. Anyway, what were you saying?

At February 27, 2006 9:41 a.m., Blogger Havril said...


1) No, Avril and I are not related. But I do have a certain waifishness about me. Also, I happend to be that Sk8er Boi.

2) Whereas my comment about his Worship was simply a little good natured equal opportunity slapstick, I have to say I'm a bit uncomfortable with your question and its undue focus on his disabilities. Let's re-jig your question to slam Sammy's right-wing politics...

2: Is the Mayor entered into any events in the soon to be renamed Bizlympics? Like Synchronized Corporate Whoring? Or combined Homeless Guy Rolling?

Better, no?

At February 27, 2006 9:50 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

K-dough. A couple of questions:

1) Your name... Is that a clever combination of K-Car and Doughnut -- making you a nice Reliant Old Fashioned Glazed?

2) Where did you see photos of my penis? Under the terms of a court injunction, all of my ex-GFs, my urologist, and former PM Kim Campbell (don't ask) are prohibited from showing those. Expect to be subpoenaed.

At February 27, 2006 2:13 p.m., Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Nice job with the math, Havril. Now then, if that fish weighs 10 lbs. and leaves Pittsburgh at 10 p.m. by rocketship, how long will it be before it is weightless?

At February 27, 2006 3:31 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Thanks, ohts, but I think you left out some important info that I need to solve your math problem: What type of fish is it?

At February 27, 2006 4:49 p.m., Blogger dief said...

I just want to add onto Johnny Maudlin's post and say that you are indeed a very funny guy.

Sad to say but most comedy clubs are full on druken 20 year olds now and this stuff is probably too smart for them. I really enjoy it more in Blog form where a two drink minimum doesn't wreck the whole scene and you don't have to dumb it down any.

At February 27, 2006 6:59 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Hey Dief. I hear ya about the standup thing. My material was a lot about current events. I tried to stick to pretty accessible stuff and a pretty good response, but the odd time I floated on over everybody's heads. I see from your profile that you did/do some yourself. Now I'm curious about your secret identity. Drop me an email if you like and maybe we can demask in confidence (there may be a waiver involved).

At February 27, 2006 11:38 p.m., Anonymous william said...

Cmon Havril, Couldn't you have linked to "Reach For the Top"?

At February 28, 2006 6:47 a.m., Blogger Havril said...

william said...

Cmon Havril, Couldn't you have linked to "Reach For the Top"?

Sigh. Do I have to do everything? Should I warm up your coffee for you while I'm up, Wil?

At February 28, 2006 8:52 a.m., Blogger dief said...

actually I'm Rip Taylor

At February 28, 2006 10:01 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

1) My name use to be Enigmatic Puzzling Mystery Moniker Man(tm), but I found it didn't exactly roll off the tongue, so I went with something less obvious.

2)tee hee- you said "subpoenaed". I feel all flush like a school girl. Not that I want to be a school girl, but if I did, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that right?

*Also- I noticed you may or may not be from Nanaimo. Ever known a guy named Steve Reynolds?

At February 28, 2006 10:03 a.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

oh yeah - and alomst forgot- check out my post today:
K-Dough's Canada

At February 28, 2006 1:02 p.m., Blogger Havril said...

Omnibus response comment:

Dief: And I'm Rip Torn. Coincidence, or the makings of a comedy duo to rival Wayne and (the late) Shuster?

1) In the interest of appealing to all those alt-rock hipsters out there, I'd suggest you add "the" in front of your name (as in The Arcade Fire, The Stars... The Stephen Harper).

2) Live and let live... so long as I don't have to hear about your uniform.

3)Nope. Been there, ate the namesake baked good. But I'm not from there. I'm a mainlander - interior boy by birth, coaster by choice. Vancouver proper for a decade plus, then the past year and a bit in the 'burbs. Same squirrels, different mayor.

So... I don't know Steve Reynolds, but I know his type. What a jerk!

Still the k-dough:
That's about ME, isn't it. Even if it's not, it is: it's always about me. I like the plastic spoon bit, but I've always been more of a gouge my eyes out with a graprefruit spoon kinda guy. Maim and let main, I always say.

Anyway, digging the venom. And the artwork. Font: so-so.

*I guess I should have posted that last comment on your blog. Feel free to cut and paste it into a comment for me. A power of attorney may be involved.

At February 28, 2006 1:47 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At February 28, 2006 1:48 p.m., Blogger K-Dough said...

This is a repost of my reply to you on my site. I must inform you, however, that all this back-forth re-posting makes me feel like I am falling into an alternate time-space continuum: Somehow, between blogs, my shoes ended up on my hands and my underwear are now on the outside of my pants...

Havril- why stop licking your monitor now? Just don't put an electric eel in your pants if you have any damp/and or wet lesions- may cause discomfort and/or instant smoking fish death.

As per your lazy ass request to re-post your comment on my site, I am doing so, but only because you send me flowers and sing me love songs.


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