If I had a rocket launcher...

I'd put it in my attic for, like, 30 years.

She was relieved to get it out of the house. No shit. This thing was a danger. A lurking menace. Maybe a national security incident waiting to happen.

Imagine. Poor old gal forgets she has it. Then one day she's going through a box of old knitting supplies. Some yarn gets wrapped around something. She tugs. Hsssssst... Swooosh. Silence. Distant boom. Horrified, granny doesn't report it. Nor does she come clean when the police, having tracked the trajectory back to her street, come to ask questions about a downed Airbus A340. They leave, satisfied the old dear knows nothing. And she goes about her life. Sweaters are knitted. A skylight is installed.

...But life would never be the same for those five young Muslim chaps who were renting the house next door.

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And our pepper spray is from Moose Jaw

As reported here, three youth delegates to the World Urban Forum in Vancouver allege that UN security officers -- apparently from either New York or Nairobi -- dragged them out of the Vancouver Trade and Convention Centre Wednesday night, one of the by the hair, after the youths objected to the officers' confiscation of t-shirts bearing a political slogan.

Assuming that the complaint is true, this is absolutely outrageous and deplorable conduct. It is simply unacceptable and must not be tolerated.

I mean, if anybody is going to deny the civil liberties of individuals on Canadian soil, it had better be a representative of the Canadian government.

The nerve, the unmitigated gall, of an international agency to think it can march in here and allow its thugs to stifle political expression and physically assault peaceful protesters -- as though we don't have our own homegrown thugs that are perfectly capable of doing the job. History has shown otherwise.

It's a denial of Canadian sovereignty. It's insulting.

Vancouverites in particular should be appalled, given this city's track record of excellence in the area of police misconduct. When it comes to excessive force and violation of rights, our cops can not only compete with any police force in the Western world, but our cops can kick their asses. (Most likely after dark, possibly in a secluded park somewhere.)

So I call on Ministers McKay and Day and Ambassador Rock to make a clear and unequivocal statement to the UN and the international community in general: It's our Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Canadian minds conceived it. A Canadian Prime Minister signed it. And when it's trampled, those size 12 standard-issue bootprints are goddamn well gonna say "Made in Canada".

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But if you drop your sub-machine gun, a passer-by picks it up for you

Some concurrent headlines don't add up. Like "Head injuries on decline in Okanagan" along side "Stockwell Day wins by landslide".

Today, I'm having trouble reconciling "T.O. third most polite city in the world: survey" with "One man dead after shootings continue in T.O.".

Hmm. Guess the folks at Reader's Digest didn't consider 'tendancy to not riddle fellow citizens with hot lead' as a valid measure of politeness.

Or maybe it's all about whether you say "my bad" afterwards?

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They even look a bit alike

Some things are so horrid they must be shared, lest one suffer alone.

At first, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Ultimately, I did both -- but only after flushing my eyes, ears (and, for good measure, at least one other orifice) with a 1:1 solution of CLR and paint thinner.

I was about to entitle this post "This has nothing to do with politics..." but then I realized something: this is the musical equivalent of every Stockwell Day press conference I've ever seen.

I'm sorry.

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Decapitation is not funny, but Howdy Doody is

The shocking headline: Suspect accused of wanting to behead PM, lawyer claims.

The obvious defence: "My Lord, my client meant he wanted to cut the Prime Minister's hair off, not his whole head. I refer your Lordship to Exhibit 12, "Official Photo of Prime Minister". I mean, really, just look at that mop. Need I say more?"

Count dismissed.

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Call me a fire retardant, but...

Toronto-based watchdog group Environmental Defence has issued a report of research showing that Canadian children are contaminated by a 'soup' of potentially toxic industrial chemicals -- including several known or suspected carcinogens, hormone disrupters and neurotoxins.

Which has to be great news for Joe Volpe. Neurotoxins. Might just make a kid do something wonky. You know, like empty his RBC Little Moneybags account to donate $5400 to somebody's leadership campaign.

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