Working Title 2: Harper disses Village People! In Tuktoyuktuk!

As was an all-too-common occurrence back when I haunted a certain institution of higher learning, this morning I awoke to the sober light of Monday and regretted something I had done over the weekend.

Er, not that. What, does everybody know about that? 'Discretion assured', my ass! No, I mean my last post. Harper should have attended the World Aids Conference, I said. What was I smoking?

I mean, what would I have Stevie actually do at the Conference, exactly? He shows face, face gives speech, face gets booed. Then what -- is he supposed to hang out with the other big-profile attendees? How embarrassing would that be?

[Harper, scouring the hors d'oeuvre table for something not containing spelt. Up walks Bill Gates...]

Gates: "Mr. Prime Minister. Let me say that your Government's commitment to an additional $10 million over 5 years for AIDS research will nicely compliment the $967 trillion Melinda and I are giving. This month."

Harper: "Yes, well, Laureen and I are also very generous with these sorts of matters. Why, just the other day we gave a loonie to a street performer. He was a mime, if you catch my drift..."

[Up saunters former US President Bill Clinton, chicken satay skewer in hand]: "Mr. Gates, Mr. Prime Minister."

Harper: "Hello, Mr. Pres -- er, is it okay if I don't call you that? That's what George lets me call him, and, well, it would just feel wrong."

Clinton: "Um, 'Bill' is fine. Hey, it was really great of you to show up. I mean, I know you're a little uncomfortable with..."

Harper: "-- I also got a stain on a dress once, you know. Mustard. Laureen and I were at this Reform Party wiener roast and..."

Clinton: "Er, that's nice. Excuse me, I told Stephen Lewis I'd take him to the Cannonball, so..."

Harper [to Gates]: "Guess that just leaves us geeks, other Bill. You know, speaking of money, I was thinking your company might want in on the oil action in Northern Alberta. Lot of pipelines up there, and I just heard the other day that this inter-web of yours is a series of tubes..."

Gates [looks at watch, feigns surprise]: "Wow! Is it 4:00 already? I have to get to Price Club before it closes. Melinda goes through Alphagetti's by the case."

Harper [to back of Gates' head]: "Yeah, so, I'll have Emerson call you about that tube thing, then... Bill? Bill? Now, where were those Chicken Satays?"

Yeah, so it was maybe a good thing that he skipped out on the conference and -- what was he doing instead? Right. Kicking it in Nunavut. Asserting Canadian sovereignty over the Arctic by his mere Harperian presence. Shit, he really is a beacon. (And, as evidenced above, a damn good ice-breaker.)

Which is a good thing. I'm all for Stevie pounding the permafrost, licking the lichens, mushing the dog. In fact, I'd have his government do even more on the Arctic sovereignty file: An armada of ice breakers. Annual Prime Ministerial visits with the sole purpose of letting Stevie urinate directly on the north pole. (There is an actual pole there, right? Could be metal. Best just aim from the deck of the ship.)

It's about symbolism. It's about showing that, now matter how uncomfortable it is for the PM to spend a few hours in a chilly, hostile environment, hey, he's going to do it, because this is important to Canada and the World. Um, which is completely different from the AIDS Conference thing. Somehow. Trust me.

And, apparently, it's all about timing. Stevie's participation in 'Operation No Go Yellow Snow' could not wait. Not one single day. As the Prime Minister himself said, when it comes to the international community recognizing Canada's sovereignty, it's a matter of use it or lose it.

Um, which is completely different from Canada's moral authority to speak on issues of international importance. Somehow. Trust me.

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Working title 1: What if Harper had AIDS?

Thanks for the title, Boo. I suppose this is your way to get me to talk about the World AIDS conference that was held in Toronto earlier this month, which our PM avoided like the -- well, you know. Okay, Boo, I'll bite.

What if Harper had AIDS? I'll tell you what: Life as we know it would end. Gravity would reverse, and every molecule in the bodies of you, anyone named Madison, and three out of four dentists, would fly apart at eight times the speed of light. Chickens would talk with Estonian accents. Lou Reed would have a beautiful singing voice.

I mean, the very idea is just that preposterous. As any common-sense, god-fearing Canadian knows (and I mean really knows, like the way you know the world is 5,000 years old), Stephen Harper does not engage in any of the immoral practices that cause AIDS. You know the ones I'm talking about. Homosexuality. Shooting up. Or the ultimate perversion: hemophilia. Mr. Harper has always made the right life choices for an AIDS-free existence. Why, even as a zygote (a living, sentient zygote, albeit one with a bad haircut), Stephen had the good sense to not be born in Sub-Sarahan Africa to a mother with HIV. Talk about a leader with foresight.

All of which, to address the subtext of our title, is exactly why Stephen Harper should have been at the World AIDS Conference. Quite simply, Stephen Harper is the antidote to AIDS.

He wouldn't have to say a word. His very presence -- his mere uber-straight, ultra-sober, terrifically non-transfused (and not to mention, impeccably geo-maternally planned) existence -- would have stood as a beacon of non-infectiousness and immunosufficiency to the world. By just being there, Stephen Harper would have reminded us all that the key to stopping AIDS lies in stopping the lewd, opitated, easy-bleeding debauchery -- or, alternatively, the ill-advised choice of birth mothers -- that got the world's 38 million or so AIDS 'victims' into the mess they are in. (Or were in. Like, before they died. Whatever.)

Forget drug cocktails. You want to halt the spread of HIV/AIDS? Bottle Stephen Harper.

That's right -- take his Right Honourable ass on a world tour: India, Africa, and, er... some other places where people have HIV/AIDS. (It's not like he needs to actually know. He does have aides, people.) Anyway, have him walk among the infected, not unlike a modern-day Jesus. (But, for his comfort, lose the robe and sandals and give him a biohazard suit. Hey, Christ would have worn gloves in the leper colony if latex had been invented.) And let Stephen Harper just be Stephen Harper.

And lo, his innate anti-AIDSness (to coin a clever phrase. Yeah, it's a gift) will stem the tide of this global epidemic of sin and stupidity and set the stage for a Harperian tomorrow, a glorious age where nobody has AIDS and all the world's people live, disease free... long enough to be killed by global warming or an invading American army under Jeb Bush.

And, at the very least, the sick will be momentarily distracted from their plight by the sight of his khaki safari vest. Yes, worn over the biohazard suit.

Upcoming post: What if Harper had style?

Here goes nuthin'

Or that's what has gone here for the past fiscal quarter, give or take. But, me thinks, no more. Thanks for all the um, interesting suggestions for post titles. Think I'll use a few.

In fact, know what? Let's make it a 'thing'. I had this great idea to categorize my posts by race, but Mark Burnett beat me to it, so this will have to do.

From now until I'm done with it, I give you Havril's "Working Title" series of posts. My shit, your title.

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Okay...

New posts coming next week. But I'm going to need a bit of help priming the pump. Titles. I need about five kickass post titles to get going. So gimme. Pretend it's a contest. Pretend you're a fluffer. Pretend you care.

Oh, and no swears -- Jesus is reading.

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I also caught up on my infomercial watching

If you thought that three nights of insomnia might produce a decent post or two... you thought wrong.

Update: Somebody call my HBMA sponsor. I'm definitely off the wagon again. God grant me the serenity...

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