An open letter to Paul Martin

Dear Prime Minister Martin (while I can still call you that):

Re: last night's debate

This will be short. It's hard to type when you're banging your head against the wall.

What in the name of all things good and holy (and a few that aren't) were you thinking? A constitutional amendment to delete the notwithstanding clause? When exactly did you come up with this little brainwave - on the campaign bus on the way to the studio? During make-up?

Or maybe while you were 'draining the little liberal' one last time before going on air? Granted, some truly inspired ideas were conceived while standing at the pisser. (Tile-grout grafitti gems like "So this is where the all the dicks hang out" and "Why are you looking here when the joke is in your hand?" come to mind, as does the late Ronald Regan's theory of "trickle down economics". Damned ornery prostate.) I mean, there's thinking on your feet, and then there's thinking on your feet.

But perhaps some matters like, oh, I don't know - changing the fundamental law of the land - warrant some more thorough reflection, away from the distracting scent of a deodorant cake.

And speaking of smells, seeking election is a lot like playing the single's dating scene, a well-known principal of which is as follows: you won't score with anyone if you reek of desperation. Which your campaign now does.

Too bad, too, since you were still in the race. You had game. The 'older man' thing - very distinguished. And a fat wallet and a yacht never hurts. Canadians were flirting with bad boy Stephen Harper, but they would have overlooked that Gomery-sized zit on your nose, swallowed their pride, and come home with you at the end of the night. You were no prize, but you'd have been the best thing around at last call (much less annoying than the little used car salesman with the white mustache).

But when Steve started picking up a few more numbers than you, you panicked and blurted out something foolish. The "C" word, no less. Not sexy.

Something to think about during Harper's swearing-in ceremony. After you've taken a leak.

Sincerely,
Havril

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