Sunday, January 15, 2006

10 things the Liberals can still do to win this election

There's a lot of responsibility that goes with writing a blog as popular as mine. If recent traffic stats are correct, tens - if not dozens - of people are hanging on my every word. In such a position of power, it is incumbent on me to take pause now and then to consider what message I'm sending out to my public.

Take my recent Open Letter to Paul Martin post. In retrospect, I fear that certain comments (like, say, "you were in the race" or "something to think about during Harper's swearing-in ceremony") may have left the impression that I feel that this election campaign is a done deal, that there's nothing the Liberals can do to turn this thing around.

I can only assume these comments were behind the obvious decline in Liberal morale in recent days. Once funnier than a singing mechanical moosehead, Liberal blogboy Scott Feschuck has taken to posting about fruit. Belinda Stronach, I'm told, wore the same powder blue power suit twice last week. Even the Prime Minister's trademark verbal preamble "let me be clear" has been downgraded to "let me be... employed."

To the cogs in la machine rouge, and to Canadians everywhere who are dismayed at the prospect of being governed by people with worse haircuts than themselves, I say this: Not all hope is lost. Granted, most hope is lost, but not quite all hope - maybe if you look in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn for a while, or dig behind the cushions on your couch, there might be some hope there. Try that shoebox on the top shelf of your closet (no, not that one -- this is one of the very few situations in life where porn will not make things better).

Okay, you are taking too long. (You did go in that other box, didn't you?) Well, let me help you out. With the hope, I mean.

TEN THINGS THE LIBERALS CAN STILL DO TO WIN THIS ELECTION

10. Sex it up a bit: shorter skirts on Anne McLellan, tighter pants for Stephen Owen.

9. Forget handguns -- reach out to the underestimated anti Casey and Finnegan lobby by banning hand puppets.

8. Promise Canadians universal publicly-funded access to Pierre Pettigrew's hairstylist.

7. Cut the GST to negative 7 percent. Campaign slogan: "Buy shit, get cash from the feds!"

6. Sex it up even more: have PM attend a Make Poverty History event, stage an open-mouth kiss with Bono.

5. Offer to provide Canadians with quality, low cost child care -- at 24 Sussex. (No sweat: Chef Drache could whip up some kick-ass mac and cheese, Sheila could pop in a Madagascar DVD. Storytime with Uncle Ujjal...)

4. Change party name to i-Liberal.

3. Well, let's just say... if a number of prominent Tories were to, you know, "take an unexpected vacation" until after the election.... I'm not advocating anything, but I know a guy who knows a guy...

2. "And starting in goal for the Vancouver Canucks, number 29, Ken Dryden!"

And the number one thing the Liberals can still do to win this election....

1. Release the Harper-Coulter Motel 6 photos.

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2 Comments:

At January 17, 2006 8:30 AM, Blogger Sycorax said...

That's pretty funny! keep up the good work!

 
At July 13, 2006 1:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info
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