Well, not so much staggered as got dragged by a salt truck
Sometimes the stars align. Or at least the flakes.
Here I was, pondering my 13th place showing in round 1 voting at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards. And there it was -- snow. Right here, in my little Vancouver suburb, heaps and heaps and heaps of snow.
And we all know what a guy needs to work out his political future: a long walk in the snow.
And so I walked. Well, I got a ride down to the pub, threw back a few, had a couple dozen wings, then wrote my name in the parking lot. Dotted the "i" and everything. Thing of beauty. But I walked home. Staggered, anyway.
Point is, I figured a couple of things out. One of those things had to do with foreskin and frostbite, but I'll spare you the uncomfortable details. The second thing I figured out is that I'm not about to give up this fight.
Sure, my blog has been "eliminated from future rounds of voting". Yes, I've been "resoundingly rejected by blog readers". Absolutely, I "have no chance of winning within the rules of the competition."
But, in the words of Gandhi, anytime somebody reminded him that he was an untouchable -- so fucking what?
My mission to be voted the Canadian Blog Awards Best Humour Blog of 2006 is bigger than the mere fact that I cannot be voted the Canadian Blog Awards Best Humour Blog of 2006. My dedication to serve as your democratic choice for humour in the blogosphere is not weakened by your decision that you'd rather I didn't. My commitment to this process will not be stymied by its results.
And so, I formally announce that my campaign will continue. With this announcement, I am unveiling my first in a series of campaign ads directed at some of the front runners in round two voting, whom I view to be my most serious competition, given that they made it to round two and I didn't.
Remember: vote for me in round two... even though you can't.
posted by Havril @ 11:05 p.m. Permalink
22 comments
Anyway, we are here to share our challenges, our successes and our hopes for the future. I am pleased to share with you Havril's challenges, his successes and his hopes. And, with any luck, a lapdance. Er, sorry - that's from my address to the Canadian Adult Video Awards. Um, excuse me while I sit for the rest of this speech.
When New Havril assumed control of Insert Something Clever a year ago he found an unacceptable situation. He found that measures to address the Humour Deficit by previous Havrils were insufficient and unaccountable. In short, previous Havrils were incompetent assholes. And Criminals. Did I mention they were criminals?
Weeks after promising Mrs. Scout from Harper-Valley that he would post more often - and let's pretend for the purposes of this stupid speech that he posts while wearing a robe - Havril still had not implemented a domestic plan to address the Humour Deficit. And the result is that Havril is 35% below his - wait for it, wait for it - Kimono target. [Allow for applause, curtsey]
Havril recognized that it was time to face up to his challenges in the most Havrilian way: to be forthright with his readers (all four of them) and his international partners (i.e. that Cuban chambermaid he hooked up with in Varadero) about the results of his previous efforts, and to be realistic on the progress he could make by 2012.
As an aside, we measure these things with reference to 2012 for one reason: Because Nostradamus has predicted the start of World War 3 in 2011. A longstanding principle of good public policy, and the mob, is that it's easy to be accountable to others when those others are dead.
Anyhoo, as with any bold recognition of the truth, Havril's was met by resistance. But it was the right thing to do. Havril will not deny the obvious, nor disrespect his blogging obligations by paying them mere lip service with no substance. However, speaking of respect, he will deny ever having paid for lip service, substantive or otherwise. That woman was a certified massage therapist, and those pictures were clearly photoshopped.
Havril will confront the reality of previous Havrils' inaction. Indeed, Havril has chosen real progress over delay - and transparency [point to mesh tank top, pause while audience oggles man nipples] over rhetoric. Havril is taking responsibility, embarking on pragmatic solutions and finally beginning the process of putting his own house in order. No, literally - this place is a mess. See, the wife was out of town, and a few buddies came over with a two-four. Havril isn't sure who got the pizza sauce on the ceiling. Might have been the registered massage therapists.
This is where Havril's challenges have turned into successes. He recognized that leadership and real action were required. And under the leadership of, well, Havril, this morning Havril introduced Havril's Computer Time Plan; the first ever policy by Havril to take a coordinated approach on increasing Havril's computer-related activity - checking his hockey pool more often, keeping better 'abreast' of the latest celebrity nipple slips, emailing more fart-related science questions to Quirks & Quarks. Oh, and blogging more. If he has time.
Havril recognized that the voluntary approaches of the past were not sufficient and that it was time for those sons-of-bitches who never help Havril out, to become a larger part of the solution. As such, this New Havril is the first Havril to move his family, friends and colleagues from voluntary measures to mandatory assistance, also known as 'blackmail'. A coworker won't volunteer to work late so Havril can go home early to blog? His fiancee gets an email attaching those pics of said co-worker getting his freak on in the alley behind the Number 5 Orange. See how this works?
His plan recognizes the importance of a long-term commitment to increasing blogging. He will continue to take into account the well-researched advice from credible sources such as Wikipedia and will work to increase Havril's absolute blogging output by up to 65 per cent by 2050. Or 2075 at the latest. With this timeline, Havril will be more accountable to more dead people than ever before.
But Havril's plan also recognizes the need for urgent action so that he can finally make progress towards his 2012 obligations, whatever the fuck they were. Early in the New Year, Havril will finally have short term targets and timelines for the implementation of, er, short term targets and timelines. Um, did I mention that the last bunch of guys were crooks?
Recognizing the role for non-regulated entities, such as his noisy-ass neighbours, to take on voluntary targets and receive credit for the contributions they are making, Havril is working with several of his drinking buddies, who happen to belong to certain motorcycle enthusiast clubs, to develop a system for opt-ins and offsets - whereby, if the neighbours 'opt' to turn down their shit music so Havril can work on his blog, nobody will 'set' said neighbours' garage on fire. Only a plan that seeks to include everyone will deliver the results Havril needs to make a difference.
Havril's plan recognizes the Havrilian context: his lack of blogging comes primarily from two places - procrastination and energy. To combat procrastination, Havril has invested 1.3, um, tens of dollars in one of those Habits of Effective People books. Well, he plans to. As for energy, he is finding innovative ways to utilize higher caffeine levels without the inconvenience of heart palpatations.
Havril's plan recognizes that citizens must be a part of the solution. If blog consumers do not take individual responsibility for their actions and make more Havril-friendly choices, the blogging of Havril will be in vain. To support his new blog assistance regulations, Havril this afternoon committed 20 dollars towards consumer education programs. Untraceable flea-market typewriter: $12. Stamps and envelopes: $8. The buzz generated by a mass mailing of "Read my blog or your grey Tabby meets my Silver Tahoe" letters: priceless.
There are some who are using the Kimono Protocol to create divisions within Havril, but Havril will not let that happen. Havril has one target and we -- er, I, er, he - all share the responsibility to work together to fulfill his obligations. And to develop rock hard abs. And to make a million dollars. Oh, and to learn to juggle. Focus is key.
It is Havril's belief that Havril must strive to create a blog that is compatible with other blogs and leads to the inclusion of Ottawonk - a blog Havril will not criticize, isolate and exclude because it must be part of the solution. Havril will continue to engage our neighbour and encourage them to take on a stronger role within the Blogging Community. And to use upper-case letters once in a while.
As you can see, Havril has begun to work through his challenges. He can now share some of his progress and he looks forward to his successes. It is through your continued support that Havril will be able to provide hope to unmotivated slackers everywhere and proof to the Blogosphere that Havril is finally on track to make a difference on this important issue. Which, as I recall, was juggling.
Havril's hope is that other bloggers can learn from the challenges Havril is overcoming. Havril's hope is that we truly find an inclusive approach as we move forward. That we include, and support and encourage, instead of exclude, isolate and criticize. And no noogies. Purple nurples, however, are motivational and oddly arousing. But I digress.
To those of you who might question Havril's resolve to stand together on this urgent issue, let there be no doubt. Except for as to how one person can stand together with himself - but for the purposes of this speech, let's let that one slide. Remember, no criticism.
Havril remains strongly committed to the Myblahg process. Havril remains strongly committed to Kimono and– driven by a principled obligation for comfort and elegance in Asian lounging attire. And he looks forward to making a significant contribution to the global efforts to fight the Humour Deficit. And to blogging more, if he has time.
Havril wants to thank his delegation for their outstanding professionalism and dedication to this cause. He was glad to have met you on the bus ride over here. Sorry those Grey Cup tickets didn't pan out, but this was fun, right?
CONCLUSION
As we gather here, we are as blog writers obligated to take stock of the challenges facing us, through article 3.9, article 9, and article 99 - the so-called "Wayne Gretzky" clause, which states that if you used to be a superstar, you can coach a hockey team into the ground and nobody will question you. But that's probably not relevant here.
As we do this, we must ask ourselves "what has worked?" and "what has not worked?" More importantly, we must ask ourselves "why work at all?" The answer is clear: because lap dances aren't free. Um, wrong speech again.
There are some who fear that by admitting certain things are not working Havril is in effect abandoning Kimono. On the contrary, Havril would challenge each of us to recognize that we are abandoning our blogging obligations if we do not acknowledge that we must make improvements. Havril would further challenge each of us to not think too much about that logic. To that end, Havril's delegation will be handing out copies of the Screech sex tape as a diversionary tactic.
Our debate needs to be one of constructive dialogue - centered on real policy discussions, not cynicism and political expediency. Or noogies.
Ultimately Havril will not achieve success by denying the shortcomings of his past approach. Rather, success lies in an open, honest and constructive assessment of where Havril stands today, and a determined effort to identify how he can hack into the the blogs of funnier, more prolific nominees and replace their posts with erotic fiction about Myron Thompson and parliamentary pages in the Peace Tower.
In Havril's world, the Humour Deficit is the subject of vigorous debate as it is throughout the Blogosphere. In his social circle, he seeks open and constructive dialogue (subject to the "no criticism" policy outlined earlier) and welcomes every overture of collaboration. Well, not so much collaboration as motivation. Well, not so much motivation as unsolicited emails attaching pictures of female readers in various states of undress.
Havril offers the same in the blogging community. Naked pictures to follow.
Thank you.