Christmas is coming, the GMO dog-goose is getting fat

Again, mes amis, another recycle. This one is adapted from a fave bit from my short-lived foray into amateur stand-up. I'd like to say it loses something when read as opposed to performed, but (and maybe this is why I don't do stand-up anymore) it doesn't. Jeers, H.

Just in time for Christmas, they’ve come out with this DNA Home Science Kit for kids, where children learn to extract actual DNA from plants.

Now, unless your kids are complete angels, this is not a smart gift idea. You let a bratty kid play with the building blocks of life, and before long the family cat is giving birth to kittens that look a wee bit too much like... the family dog.

Then come spring, you cut into some broccoli you just picked from the garden, only to find it’s filled with chocolate pudding.

This is wrong, and you'll want to do something about it. But some of you parents (and you know who you are) won’t be able to punish them. Why not?

Because they’ll know how to do their own paternity tests.

Little Johnny: “I don’t have to listen to you. You aren’t my Daddy!”

“The hair samples don’t lie… Bill.”

“And by the way, did you know you’re genetically predisposed to baldness?”

“No wonder mommy cheated on you!”

I take that back -- it does lose something. My self-respect. Was that ever funny?