New Release: The Gomery Report Part 1

Ah yes, the definitive word is in on the Scandal of the Century.

Good thing the good Judge wrote it in "everyday language" -- otherwise its 1400 pages might be a tad daunting for average schmos like me. But if it's plainly written... well then, it should a breeze to just squeeze it in between War and Peace and the King James edition of the Bible. After all, now that the NHL has moved to hurry-up faceoffs, we've all got some extra time on our hands.

Listen, Judge G. If you really want to get this stuff down to a managable size and format for everyday Canadians, here's what you do.... Put it on the back of a rental DVD box.

Tell us what we need to know: the names of the main actors, the plot in 5o words or less and the number of instances of coarse language, violence and nudity. (Oh yeah, and about the nudity... for the love of God please specify whether it involves Sheila Fraser, 'cause you can't fit enough dirty money in an envelope to make me watch that.)

Then order that the empty cases be stocked on the shelves of video rental outlets across Canada. Maybe put a catchy title on the front. Something like Fried Green Mandarins under a Laurentian Sun for the gals, Liberal Coeds Gone Wild... with a Vengance for the guys.

Intrigued, John and Joan Canuck flip over the the box and read the back. 3.2 seconds later (4 seconds in Moosejaw) it's, "Ah, so that's what the sponsorship scandal is all about. Now I know. Thanks, Judge Gomery!"

And they walk away, better informed and free to get down to the real issues on the mind of the average Canadian -- Monster-in-law or Herbie Fully Loaded?